Have You Said THIS to Your Pastor?

People say the goofiest things to their pastors.

To be sure, most pastors are aware that sometimes remarks made against them are more a reflection of the person making them, and they are good natured enough to let most things roll off their backs. In fact, pastors may even find some of the more outlandish things congregants tell them amusing or humorous.

But then there are the times that congregants cut their pastors deep with their words. This may happen in a single instance, but it more often is the aggregate effect of multiple offhand remarks and unwarranted criticisms that begin to weigh them down over time. 

Pastors work hard to serve the people of their churches well, and so it stands to reason that those people should also strive to serve their pastor well—particularly when it comes to how they can use their words to lift him up rather than tear him down.

Here are at least five things to never say to your pastor.

1. ‘People Are Saying…’

For all the criticism a pastor receives on a weekly basis, almost none of it is offered to him directly. He will hear about it through notes on connection cards, second-hand accounts, and warnings that “people are talking” from congregants who put themselves forth as personal confidants but really only have personal agendas. 

A wise pastor I once served under was always quick to respond to anyone who implied that “people are talking” with a simple question: who and how many? 

Sometimes, no one is really talking—except the person who is saying that people are talking. Other times, the talking is taking place among a small group of individuals within the church who neither carry much sway nor contribute much by forward missional progress. 

This isn’t to say that their feelings aren’t important or that they aren’t valued members of the community created in the image of God. It is to say, however, that it is not the wisest course of action to let their opinions set the decision making framework for the entire congregation.

If you are one who is often tempted to bring up the issues that “people are talking” about, you may be one of these individuals. Remember that Paul warns us not to tolerate the behavior of Christians who “are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies” (2 Thessalonians 3:11). 

If you have a legitimate concern about certain leadership decisions that are being made, speak for yourself sincerely and directly, without any guile or manipulation. Otherwise, just be about the work of the gospel and encourage others toward the same.

2. ‘So That’s Where My Tithe Is Going’

To some congregants, it is a mortal sin for pastors to have anything nice, and they aren’t afraid to remind their pastors where their paycheck comes from.

I’ve lost count of the number of times a congregant mentioned their tithe in reference to something I owned or had recently purchased, whether it was my wife’s engagement ring, our new car, or a new pair of shoes that looked like they may have cost more than $30. 

Bear in mind that I was a pastor on staff at a church in an affluent area, where most homes are valued at well north of a million dollars, and most of the congregants who made comments about my purchases annually earned hundreds of thousands of dollars more than my salary. (I’m not trying to suggest that I was grossly underpaid, but in that context, being hassled over purchasing a Honda Civic felt somewhat frivolous.)

It is true that some pastors, particularly the ones with fancy suits and private jets, inappropriately use the funds provided by the generous sacrifices of people in their congregations. But those stories are extraordinary because they aren’t the norm. 

So please leave your pastor alone about how he’s spending his money. Odds are that his belt is plenty tight.

3. ‘We All Know You Only Work One Day a Week’

Most congregants only see their pastor once a week. So, many assume that that’s the only time he’s doing anything productive.

Some folks who were shocked in elementary school to see their teacher at the grocery store, because they assumed that they really only existed on campus during school hours, seem to have never graduated from that mentality and see their pastors the same way. 

To be sure, when some jest that the pastor only works one day a week, they are sincerely joking or playing off a longstanding misconception about pastors. But for others, they genuinely believe that the pastor doesn’t actually work. 

Variations of this insult include a congregant talking about their “real” job in contrast to whatever the pastor is doing for 50+ hours a week. They might also include questions like, “What do you do all week,” that are less about satisfying curiosity and more about getting the pastor to justify his paycheck, or the assumption that the pastor “has time” for whatever special interest event or initiative you are proposing.

Most pastors work hard—many of them too hard. It’s somewhat tone deaf (and hurtful) to imply otherwise.

4. ‘I’m Not Being Fed’

Most pastors have a deep burden for discipleship. That’s why they do what they do. 

As a result, they invest much of their time, effort, and energy into preparing sermons, finding ways to help people get plugged into serving, and creating robust discipleship processes, whether through small groups, Sunday school classes, or other initiatives. 

Not that pastors are looking for their people to throw them a parade for their efforts, but when a congregant complains to them that they “just aren’t being fed,” it can certainly take the wind out of their sails.

What’s even more aggravating is that the people who most often say that they aren’t being fed are not taking advantage of the church’s existing discipleship programs, aren’t serving in any meaningful way, and oftentimes are not financially giving

This is akin to a person who goes to the gym once a week, only walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes before leaving, and then complaining about their trainer’s effectiveness when they don’t find themselves any more in shape than they were three months ago. 

In other words, if you are feeling like you’re “not being fed,” ensure that you are allowing for the possibility that it’s a “you” thing. This isn’t always the case, but quite often it is.

5. Any Criticism Given Under the Veil of a Compliment 

Some folks are really creative about criticizing and insulting their pastors through smiling teeth. Sometimes, a veiled critique even comes wrapped in a compliment.

When I was an associate pastor at a church, I was often told that I should go and plant my own church. On the face of it, this seems like a great compliment—an affirmation of my giftings and leadership potential. 

But the timing of such a comment typically seemed to indicate that it was more of a nice way to say that a person wished I was gone. 

Sometimes, I would receive this remark after preaching a sermon in which I said something the person didn’t like. Other times, it was said when I was communicating a leadership decision or change that would affect a person’s cherished ministry opportunity or structure. But it was said often enough that I got the idea. 

It really is a cruel thing to use what was ostensibly a compliment as a veiled insult. And doing so reveals both a lack of kindness and spiritual maturity.

Sticks and Stones

To paraphrase an oft-repeated axiom, sticks and stones may break your pastor’s bones, but words can be like death by a thousand cuts. Your words matter, so be careful not to inflict harm on your pastor with what you say. 

This isn’t to say that you can never have a hard conversation with your pastor or that he’s so emotionally fragile that even the slightest bit of sarcasm will cause him to lose sleep. But it is to say that, by virtue of his position of spiritual leadership, he is worthy of honor and respect. And he is likely more than willing and ready to respond to you with similar esteem.

So strive to be honest, direct, sincere, and kind. In the words of the apostle Paul, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Colossians 4:6).

This article originally appeared on churchleaders.com and is published here by permission.

Dale Chamberlain
Dale Chamberlainhttp://ChurchLeaders.com

Dale Chamberlain is content manager for ChurchLeaders.com. With experience in pastoral ministry as well as the corporate marketing world, he is also an author and podcaster who is passionate about helping people tackle ancient truths in everyday settings.

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