EDITORIAL
Discern the Times | Amy Orr-Ewing
Most Christian leaders will face a period of leadership anxiety at some point in their life. This pervasive feeling that you are not OK can arise even when circumstances seem supportive. It is possible to have a loving support structure of family, friends, community and your team and yet still feel bereft and anxious deep down; learning about cultivating peace amid anxiety can help leaders find steadier ground.
High-functioning anxiety can mean that outwardly we are achieving as much as ever. Attention to detail, outstanding results and assured social confidence are there to point to, but inside anxiety gnaws away and drives us on to work harder, deliver the results we feel we need to, and just make it over the next hurdle in the hope that when we get there, we will feel better. But we never seem to make it to the end of the list or reach the day when there are no more worries; instead, integrating practical steps to overcome anxiety into daily rhythms can reduce that internal pressure.
Anxiety can also express itself as hypervigilance: waiting for the sky to fall while constantly working to prevent our fears from happening. The drive to do enough, and remember all the pitfalls, and keep pushing forward can be crippling. Turning to examples of leadership in scripture can reframe our response—see how Jesus-models leadership anxiety management for a gospel-shaped approach to fear and responsibility.
Gripped With Anxiety
As a perfectionist I lived my life working hard and overpreparing for situations so that whatever happened I would be OK. I have been in a lot of high adrenaline situations around the world, addressing large audiences and taking questions, speaking in high profile political settings, Bible smuggling or doing ministry events in countries where it is illegal to do so, ministering in the inner city among gangs. I think I believed that fear was a luxury I should not entertain. In dangerous situations I had found God, or just found another gear within, so that I could feel I was operating in faith and courage.
After a traumatic experience in my 40s, that suddenly didn’t work anymore for me. I would be struck with panic out of the blue at the thought of my attacker contacting me. One time I was swimming in the ocean with my husband and children. Panic hit me and I was gasping for breath. I thought I was having a heart attack. I would have drowned if my husband had not got ahold of me and helped get me back to shore.
Lower-level tumbling anxiety also bubbled away, and I could feel every sinew of my body surging with cortisol. On the darkest days I prayed for oblivion—just to feel some relief. Anxiety is like a nauseous feeling that will not go away.
Getting Help
During an anxious time, we can be genuinely vulnerable. It is worth prioritizing getting help from established mental health practitioners. I have been profoundly helped by therapy. It is not something to be ashamed of. I needed help. One of the things that helped me the most was thinking about how much I love my children, and how I would do anything I could to alleviate their suffering or fears. When my therapist asked me whether I could extend the same kindness to myself and envision God offering me that kind of love, something within me broke.