Pastor Erik initially came to see me for a routine check-in, something he did every year with a therapist. He told me that his check-ins were intended to be an example to his congregation of the importance of mental, emotional and spiritual health.
When onboarding a new client, I require a minimum of five sessions so that I can adequately develop a therapeutic relationship and effectively assess the presenting needs of a client. Erik reluctantly agreed. Three sessions in, I asked him, “How is your soul doing?”
I could tell this question caught him off guard. After some time, he looked up and quietly answered, “I’m not sure how to answer that question; no one has really ever asked me that before.”
Has anyone ever asked you that question? If I asked it of you today, what would your answer be? Would your reply come easily, or, like Erik, would you need to dig a little deeper?
Erik and I spent the next several sessions unpacking the nuances of the question while creating a comprehensive understanding of what was meant by “soul” and “care.” I believe that outlining what he and I discussed, providing five postures of soul care and offering some practical exercises can serve as a guide to help you on the road to good emotional health.
The Heart of ‘Soul’
If language creates rhythms, patterns and culture, then it is highly necessary to reflect on the meaning of “soul.” How would you define it? Have you ever thought deeply about it, or does it catch you off guard like it surprised Erik?
The Greek word often translated “soul” is psychē, which is related to the word psyxō, meaning “to breathe” or “to blow.” From psychē we get the English root word for psychology, psyche, which refers to a person’s unique identity. Psychē corresponds to the Hebrew word nephesh, which can mean living being, life, self, person, desire, passion, appetite or emotion.
Putting this all together, caring for your soul means caring for the unique, God-breathed identity that includes your mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and relational self. We often have a misguided understanding of what is meant to care for ourselves, especially in our Western church culture. As pastors, we often think that we need to care for others first and foremost, and if we get to ourselves eventually, that is OK. However, Matthew 22:37–40 says: “Jesus said, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ These two commands are pegs; everything in God’s Law and the Prophets hangs from them.”
I grew up reading this passage as a list. Love God first, check. Love others second, check. When I get around to it, love myself. But if we read this beyond the English translation and in the context in which it was written, we see that this cannot be seen as a checklist but rather as a symbiotic and reciprocal relationship between God, others and self. The phrase “set alongside,” which in many other versions is rendered “like” (as in “the second is like it”), is a translation of the Greek word homoia, which refers to having the same or a similar nature, connoting equality or correspondence.
Therefore, a wholistic love of and for God requires a balanced relationship with him, with others and with ourselves. Soul care is where this begins. It’s no secret that pastors today are dealing with burnout like never before. Maybe you are one of them. Developing these five postures, which I define as a particular way of dealing with or approach to something, can help.
1. A Posture of Recognition
To recognize something means to call it out or acknowledge it. It is the opposite of ignoring it. For example, I was on a group coaching call recently with leaders from all over the country, and this question was asked: “How is everyone doing today?” Though I think that is often an unfair question because the expected answer is “good” or “fine,” I was compelled to stop, recognize how I was doing, and explore what I was feeling.
So instead of ignoring what I was struggling with, I responded, “My anxiety has spiked these past couple of weeks, and I am trying to figure out why.”
My recognition of the struggle brought it into the open and let others know where I was. Interestingly, my anxiety actually subsided a bit as I started to talk about it. Why? Because I was choosing not to hide it or hide from it.
Exercise: Part of recognition is creating a healthy emotional language. One of my favorite things to do when creating a posture of recognition is to develop a deeper understanding of my emotional experiences. You can download my emotions worksheet on burnout for free at DrMayfield.com/download. Work through this exercise step-by-step, as it will help you expand the ability to recognize where you are emotionally.
2. A Posture of Reflection
I like to journal, and I encourage many of my clients to try it. Journaling is a discipline that takes focus and intentionality. It is extremely effective in helping people reflect. When I say journal, though, I mean pulling out a notebook and a pen, and writing out your thoughts in a free-form manner. Yes, you can type on your phone, or scribble on your iPad, or write on your computer, but it doesn’t have the same effect as putting pen to paper.
When you write by hand, you jump-start the reticular activation portion of your brain, which is a bundle of nerve cells that sits on your brain stem. The reticular activation system is responsible for regulating behavioral arousal (emotions), consciousness (thinking) and motivation (action). As we journal, this part of the brain simultaneously connects to the frontal cortex portion of the brain, which helps us with insights, forethought, decision-making and reflection.
Simply put, the act of journaling helps us make sense of how we are doing and connects the dots between how we are feeling and what we are thinking. If we don’t choose to reflect in this way, our emotional responses can often hijack our operating system and, as a result, disrupt the health of our souls.
Exercise: Buy a journal or a composition notebook. Set aside time each day to write. I personally like to set a timer for 15 minutes. This creates limited time for me to write and forces me to focus.
I will then answer these three questions:
- How am I doing today?
- What is one emotion I am wrestling with today?
- What is one thing I am grateful for today?
I don’t know about you, but I need structure. Having questions to answer not only creates structure, it also will get the ball rolling in thinking about my emotions. Once I start to write my responses to these questions, I create the ability to reflect.
3. A Posture of Vulnerability
Vulnerability can be viewed negatively or positively. Vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed either physically or emotionally. It is an intentional stripping away of the defenses and making a conscious choice to open ourselves up to intimacy and closeness with God, trusted others and ourselves.
There is a beautiful visual representation of vulnerability in 1 Kings 19. Elijah had just come off a mountaintop experience as God displayed his power on Mount Carmel. Now Elijah is desperately trying to run away from Jezebel. He’s in the desert wanting to die, and God calls him to Mount Horeb to meet. After resting and eating under a broom bush, Elijah embarks on a long journey through the desert to the mountain of God. On the mountain, he took refuge in a cave.
“Then he was told, ‘Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.’ A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper” (1 Kings 19:11–12). Whether or not Elijah knew it, he became vulnerable. It was a risk, but it was done with a God who cared desperately for him.
Yes, vulnerability is a risk, but it is the only way we can truly meet with God. Elijah was met with a quiet whisper; he was met in the stillness. When we intentionally posture ourselves in this way, we will be able to meet God and begin to refresh our souls.
Exercise: The spiritual discipline of lament is one that we don’t often talk about anymore in our Western church culture. In my opinion, lament is a critical step in being vulnerable with God and ourselves. Counselor Jenna Perrine defines the steps of lament as:
- Cry out to God
- Complaint
- Affirmation of trust
- Petition/Request
- Additional argument
- Rage against your enemies
- Assurance of being heard
- Promise to offer praise to God
- Assurance
If you want to write a lament, here is a template you can follow. To begin, first make sure you are ready to write from a brutally honest standpoint. We often believe that we need to sugarcoat how we are feeling. God can handle it. Be honest.
It is important to engage your intellectual, imaginal, sensual (five senses), emotional and relational brain. Use the psalmists’ writings as examples. Scriptural examples include Psalms 3, 6, 13, 22, 28, 35, 59, 60 and 94.
Next, ask yourself what grief, trauma, struggle or pain you want to lament. Begin reflecting on the specific area of your life that you are grieving. You are bringing this to God, so don’t hold anything back. What image, picture or metaphor comes to mind to describe your current grief, trauma, struggle or pain?
Perrine offers these lament metaphors:
* Unrelenting rain
* Eternal winter
* Broken glass
* Heavy burden
* Relentless waves
* Endless night
* Murky fog
* Sinking sand
* Lost in the woods
* Walking on eggshells
Thinking in this way can begin to engage the parts of your brain that need healing.
4. A Posture of Openness
How many times have you struggled with something on your own and tried every way you can think of to fix it, only to stay stuck where you began? Have you found that it was only when you were open and honest within the context of community that you were able to receive support and began to heal?
The first three postures of soul care I have described here are designed to be done privately with God as you wrestle with the health of your mind, body and spirit. This fourth posture of openness, however, invites us to bring things into the light of community.
Let’s be honest—this particular posture is often the hardest for pastors. Does this sound familiar? “If I’m honest about where I am or about what I am struggling with, it will disqualify me from ministry.” This lie has kept many pastors stuck, not knowing where to turn and slowly dying inside.
Openness and honesty go hand in hand. If we are to be truly open and vulnerable, we need to be truly honest. When we take on this posture of soul care, it must be done through the context of connectedness, trust and relationship. We cannot and should not explore this posture with just anyone. It should be done with a trusted spiritual mentor, a spouse, another pastor or a counselor. But you have to be open and honest with this person—and with yourself.
Exercise: Make a list of people in your circle that you trust. Who could you talk to and be open with? Make sure you choose safe people. If you do not have anyone you feel comfortable with, I would encourage you to explore the option of coaching or counseling.
5. A Posture of Humility
When we embark on the journey toward soul care, we recognize where we are, we reflect on why we are there and how we got there, we intentionally allow ourselves to be vulnerable with God, we drag things into the light of openness and honesty, and then we actively humble ourselves and ask for help. This is not a posture of weakness but of strength.
To be humble means you have a right view of self in relation to who God is. It is a freedom from pride and/or arrogance. Humility is a state of being, but to be humble is an action.
Exercise: Where do you need help? Where do you need support? Where do you need encouragement? Create an action plan by asking yourself where you want to be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically and relationally in 30 days, 60 days, 90 days. Working backward from those goals, write out what steps you can start taking today. Also ask yourself who you would need in your corner to help make these things happen.
Soul care for pastors is critically important. It is something that you can’t keep on the back burner to get to “one day.”
But remember, we must abide in God for any of these soul care postures to work. John 15:4 says, “Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can’t bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can’t bear fruit unless you are joined with me.” Proper soul care cannot happen apart from an intentional relationship with God.