A few years ago, I was meeting with a small group leader frustrated with one of his group members.
“I don’t know what else to do,” he said. “Every week Ben shares the same struggle with anxiety. I’ve pointed him to Scripture, recommended books, even offered to connect him with a counselor. But nothing changes. I’m starting to think he doesn’t really want help.”
I asked a simple question: “What does Ben need from you, a solution or a companion?”
He paused. “I guess I assumed he needed a solution.”
“What if,” I asked, “he just needs someone to walk with him?”
The Fixing Trap
Most small group leaders fall into what I call “the fixing trap”: Someone shares a struggle, and we instantly shift into problem-solving mode. We offer advice, share what worked for us, recommend a book or Bible study, or even pray for God to fix the situation.
We do this with good intentions. We care about people and want to help. And let’s be honest, it feels good to have answers. When we can offer a solution, we feel useful, competent, maybe even a little validated as leaders.
But fixing focuses on a person’s faults and shortcomings. Walking with them is rooted in friendship and shared humanity.
Jesus didn’t “fix” his disciples. When he met Matthew, who by all accounts was a moral train wreck, he didn’t give him a lecture or a list of next steps. He simply said, “Follow me.” Jesus invited Matthew to walk alongside him, and transformation happened in that relationship.
That’s the essence of relational discipleship: Walking with others is more powerful than fixing them.
Why We Default to Fixing
Before we can change, it helps to understand why we default to fixing.
- Fixing feels faster.
When someone says they’re struggling in their marriage, it’s easier to reply, “Try a date night,” than it is to sit with them in the tension and ask deeper questions. - Fixing lets us stay in control.
Giving advice keeps us in the expert role. We don’t have to be vulnerable or admit we don’t have all the answers. - Fixing protects us from helplessness.
When people we care about are hurting and we can’t make it better, we feel powerless. Advice makes us feel like we’re doing something, even if it’s not actually helpful.
The truth is, fixing rarely produces transformation. Even when it helps in the moment, it doesn’t create lasting change.
So what does walking with someone actually look like?
* Be present. When someone in your group shares they’re overwhelmed, resist the urge to fix it. Lean in and ask, “Can you tell me more about that? What does overwhelmed feel like for you?”
Your presence—your willingness to sit with them in discomfort—is often more healing than your advice. People don’t always need answers. They need to be heard.
* Ask questions more than you give answers. Jesus modeled this beautifully. He asked over 300 questions in the Gospels because he knew discovery leads to deeper growth than instruction.
As a licensed therapist, I learned this quickly. Most counselors can spot the core issue early on, but lasting change doesn’t happen through advice. It happens when people reach self-understanding through guided questions. Jesus modeled this long before modern psychology. He led people toward discovery, not compliance.
* Share your own journey. When you lead with honesty about your own struggles, you move from expert to fellow traveler. You’re not a mechanic fixing their engine. You’re a friend walking the same messy road with them.
That doesn’t mean oversharing or making it about you. It means being willing to say, “I’ve wrestled with something similar” or “I’m still figuring this out too.”
* Celebrate small steps. Instead of focusing on how far someone has to go, notice the progress they’re making. Spiritual growth happens one day at a time. You can’t skip ahead or take 10 steps at once.
Growth is slow but steady. And when we walk with each other, we get to honor every step in the right direction.
The Practice of Presence
Here are four quick ways to practice presence. Why not try one in your next conversation?
Practice 1: Ask a second question.
When someone shares something, resist the urge to respond right away. Say, “Tell me more about that” or “What’s that been like for you?” Staying curious keeps you in listening mode.
Practice 2: Reflect what you hear.
Instead of giving advice, reflect what you’re hearing. “It sounds like you’re really overwhelmed and unsure how to balance everything.” That kind of mirroring helps people feel seen and clarifies their own thoughts.
Practice 3: Follow the feelings.
When someone talks about circumstances, listen for what’s underneath. “You’re talking about your schedule, but I hear anxiety. Is that right?”
Practice 4: Ask before you advise.
If you think of something that might help, ask permission first. “Would it be helpful if I shared something that helped me in a similar situation?” Whether they say yes or no, you’ve honored their agency.
Walking With Creates Safety
When we shift from fixing to walking with, something beautiful happens. People feel safe to be honest. They stop performing and start being real. And that’s when true transformation begins.
Psychologist Dan Siegel describes love as helping people feel seen, soothed, safe and secure. Those four experiences are what every heart longs for, and what Jesus embodied in how he walked with others. Walking with isn’t just a leadership skill. It’s the way Jesus loved.
When people feel seen, known and loved in their mess, they’re more willing to risk vulnerability. They become more open to God’s work in their lives. They experience what 1 John 4 describes: perfect love driving out fear. And when fear loosens its grip, growth becomes possible.
The Invitation
If you lead a small group, try this: At your next gathering, if someone shares a struggle, resist every urge to solve, advise or correct. Instead, be present. Ask questions. Listen deeply.
It may feel awkward at first. You might worry you’re not helping enough. But I promise, the person sharing will feel more cared for than they would through all the advice in the world.
Jesus didn’t come to fix us from afar. He came to walk with us—to be Immanuel, God with us. As leaders, we get to extend that same gift: not as experts with all the answers, but as fellow travelers on the road of following Jesus.
And that, I’ve discovered, is exactly what people need most.
Robby Angle is the CEO of Trueface and discipleship advisor for RightNow Media.
