How would you describe your new relationship with adult children? Your answer to this question will reveal where you need to start or pick up if you desire a growing relationship, and it can point you toward resources for maintaining positive relationship with adult children. Because human relationships are dynamic and always changing, understanding where you are will give you some clues as to where you need to go.
Perhaps you and your adult child have a close, healthy relationship. Or perhaps relations between you have been strained — in which case recognizing parental frustration and estrangement can help you identify patterns to address. Perhaps your grown child is involved in a lifestyle that troubles you, or perhaps he is stuck and not moving ahead in life; for many parents, hope and encouragement for parents offers practical perspective.
financial problems. Maybe your daughter has had a string of dysfunctional relationships and suffers from crippling low self-esteem. Perhaps her job doesn’t pay enough to provide her with a living wage, and she has moved back home. In these areas, reviewing parenting priorities and child wellbeing and approaches to discipline with love and relationship focus can be eye-opening and helpful.
How can you be the parent your child needs at this stage of his or her life? What about your own needs? In most cases, you can have a positive, growing relationship with your adult children—even a friendship.
Too many parents minimize their power to create a positive climate; they blame any difficulties on the child’s behavior. “If Bridget would only stop dating that miserable creature, we could get along well again,” one father said. Such a statement assumes that the parent is powerless until the child makes a change. This attitude of blame has led many parents to believe “there’s nothing else I can do.” Once they believe this myth, a fractured relationship may continue indefinitely.
Far more productive is this approach: “I do not like the present behavior of my adult child. I know that I can’t change that behavior, but I can and will seek to have a positive influence on her.”
Your attitude, words, and behavior do influence your child every time you are together.
When your child drops by, look him in the eye and say sincerely, “Hi, nice to see you. You’re looking good. What’s going on?” You have created a climate that promotes communication. But if you merely glance up and say, “I hope you don’t wear that cap at work,” you have erected a major roadblock.
As parents, we must take responsibility for our power of influence and stop blaming our children for a less-than-optimal relationship. We are older and should be more mature. Our children, even though grown, are on the front end of life, still trying to learn. We can go a long way in creating a good climate in which learning can take place. Parents can’t create a good relationship with a child, but they can help create a climate in which the relationship can develop.
