Imagine a few minutes after service has ended, and a couple in your church, Lucas and Shannon, approach you for prayer. As you listen to their heartbreak, you are moved with compassion and a desire to support them. They share the devastating loss of a loved one, and you can sense their deep hurt and confusion toward God. In that moment, you pray with them, but you also want to provide ongoing care. In this article, we will introduce a new term and a practical activity you can use when pastoring during times of loss.
Often, when people face a significant loss, it shakes the foundation of their faith. This occurs when an individual experiences spiritual dissonance, a state resulting from beliefs about God being challenged by a painful reality. For example, Lucas began following Christ three years ago and felt deeply connected to the Jesus of the Gospels. His view of God was shaped by the compassionate pursuit of the Shepherd who leaves the 99 (Luke 15:4-5), calms the storm (Mark 4:39), and heals the sick (Luke 8:43-48). While these attributes are true, God’s character is complex. Since his loss, Lucas feels God has become silent, leading to a difficult experience when dealing with loss and mourning in a church context.
When we experience dissonance regarding Scripture, we must learn to wrestle with it and teach our congregations to do the same. While most pastors could easily preach a sermon on Christ’s miracles, many feel less comfortable answering the raw questions Lucas asks in his grieving state. We may avoid these topics because we harbor difficult questions ourselves. However, leaning into these inquiries is essential for spiritual growth. Lucas needs to know: “If Jesus leaves the 99, why do I feel alone?” or “If God calms storms, why didn’t He calm mine?” By addressing these questions, we provide the validation and support grieving congregants truly need.
You see? His inquiries and feelings are part of his reality, and too often, we dismissively respond to these types of questions with a spiritual answer that makes us feel better but leaves the grieving individual feeling shameful for their questions. Also, if we look to the Bible, we can identify that people have felt similarly to Lucas, possibly even within the stories that are stirring up dissonance for Lucas. If Jesus left the 99, how did the “99” feel? They might have felt abandoned or at least, noticed their shepherd was absent. But the sermons we share tend to focus on being the “one” Jesus is pursuing. Why? Because that’s the story we often need to hear. But perhaps that’s not the only lesson in the story. And there may be times when we need to hear another angle.
Consider when Jesus calmed the storm. Can you imagine the overwhelm the disciples must have felt when they faced the ferocious storm? They worried Jesus didn’t care for them (Mk. 4:38) right before He awoke and stepped in. Have you ever felt like Jesus didn’t see you but then later, He showed up and showed off? And lastly, right before Jesus heals the woman who touched the hem of his garment, a desperate father approached him regarding his dying daughter (Luke 8:42). He could have felt uncared for when Jesus paused to address someone else amid his dire situation. In each of these scenarios, Jesus was still sovereign, Holy, and faithful. It’s ok that we’re not the main character in the story; that role is reserved for our amazing and much more deserving God.
When your people are hurting, they need to restore their confidence that God is who they’ve believed Him to be. To help with this, we recommend that you invite the individual to take a sheet of paper (or an electronic document) and make two columns. On the left side of the page, ask the individual to write the following statement: “Who I’ve believed God to be” And on the right side of the page, “Who I’m worried God is.” Then, ask them to list what comes to mind. Once the person has several items documented, encourage them to go to God’s Word to challenge or support their experiences. This may take minutes or weeks to explore.
In the “Who I’ve believed God to be” section, they might list, “God is near to the brokenhearted” (Ps. 34:18), and in the “Who I’m worried God is” section, they may write, “I fear that God is not near and thus, Scripture isn’t always true.” This activity reveals their dissonance and provides a path toward healing. Let’s look to Scripture. Job 33:14 (ESV) says, “For God speaks in one way, and in two, though man does not perceive it.” This verse can speak to their dissonance, reminding them that that God is near even when they don’t perceive Him. Because of this verse, you can help them shift their prayer, inviting God to make them aware of His presence and help them recognize His voice, amid their pain.
In addition to activities like this, in our loss, we searched Scripture for comfort. We found that David, Job, and others experienced a period of silence from God. Let’s normalize this occurrence and use Scripture to resolve the dissonance.
Chuck and Ashley Elliott are authors of I Used to be ____: How to Navigate Large and Small Losses in Life and Find Your Path Forward (Revell).
