Imagine it’s a few minutes after service has ended, and a couple in your church, Lucas and Shannon, approach you for prayer. As you listen to their heartbreak, you’re moved with compassion and want to support them. They share about the devastating loss of a loved one; as you listen, you can tell they feel hurt by God. In that moment, of course you pray with them, but you also desire to provide ongoing support. In this article, we will introduce a new term as well as an activity you can use with grieving congregants.
Often, when people face a significant loss, it shakes their faith. Why? Sometimes the individual experiences spiritual dissonance, a state that results when our beliefs about God are challenged by a painful reality. For example, Lucas began following Christ about three years ago, dove into the gospels and felt deeply connected to Jesus; his view of God might have been greatly impacted by the compassionate pursuit that we see in the Christ who leaves the 99 (Luke 15:4-5), calms the storm (Mk. 4:39), and heals the woman who touches the hem of his robe (Luke 8:43-48). Although these attributes are completely true of our God, His character is much more complex. When Lucas faced a loss, he began to wonder if the God He read about in Scripture was the same God he first trusted. Since the loss, he felt that God became silent and did not step in and rescue him or his loved one.
When we experience dissonance regarding Scripture, we can wrestle with it and teach others to do the same; if we don’t understand something, we can process and take our concerns to God. Without further preparation, most pastors could preach a sermon on any of the previous three stories; however, most of us may not feel as comfortable answering the questions Lucas may ask in his grieving state. Why? Perhaps it’s because we have some difficult questions we ponder too. Let’s let this validate the logic to lean in to these questions. After all, wouldn’t it have been great if someone had done this for us? Lucas wants to know “If Jesus left the 99, why does it feel like I’m alone?” or “If God can calm storms, why didn’t He calm mine?” or “If I had more faith, would my situation be different?”
You see? His inquiries and feelings are part of his reality, and too often, we dismissively respond to these types of questions with a spiritual answer that makes us feel better but leaves the grieving individual feeling shameful for their questions. Also, if we look to the Bible, we can identify that people have felt similarly to Lucas, possibly even within the stories that are stirring up dissonance for Lucas. If Jesus left the 99, how did the “99” feel? They might have felt abandoned or at least, noticed their shepherd was absent. But the sermons we share tend to focus on being the “one” Jesus is pursuing. Why? Because that’s the story we often need to hear. But perhaps that’s not the only lesson in the story. And there may be times when we need to hear another angle.
Consider when Jesus calmed the storm. Can you imagine the overwhelm the disciples must have felt when they faced the ferocious storm? They worried Jesus didn’t care for them (Mk. 4:38) right before He awoke and stepped in. Have you ever felt like Jesus didn’t see you but then later, He showed up and showed off? And lastly, right before Jesus heals the woman who touched the hem of his garment, a desperate father approached him regarding his dying daughter (Luke 8:42). He could have felt uncared for when Jesus paused to address someone else amid his dire situation. In each of these scenarios, Jesus was still sovereign, Holy, and faithful. It’s ok that we’re not the main character in the story; that role is reserved for our amazing and much more deserving God.
When your people are hurting, they need to restore their confidence that God is who they’ve believed Him to be. To help with this, we recommend that you invite the individual to take a sheet of paper (or an electronic document) and make two columns. On the left side of the page, ask the individual to write the following statement: “Who I’ve believed God to be” And on the right side of the page, “Who I’m worried God is.” Then, ask them to list what comes to mind. Once the person has several items documented, encourage them to go to God’s Word to challenge or support their experiences. This may take minutes or weeks to explore.
In the “Who I’ve believed God to be” section, they might list, “God is near to the brokenhearted” (Ps. 34:18), and in the “Who I’m worried God is” section, they may write, “I fear that God is not near and thus, Scripture isn’t always true.” This activity reveals their dissonance and provides a path toward healing. Let’s look to Scripture. Job 33:14 (ESV) says, “For God speaks in one way, and in two, though man does not perceive it.” This verse can speak to their dissonance, reminding them that that God is near even when they don’t perceive Him. Because of this verse, you can help them shift their prayer, inviting God to make them aware of His presence and help them recognize His voice, amid their pain.
In addition to activities like this, in our loss, we searched Scripture for comfort. We found that David, Job, and others experienced a period of silence from God. Let’s normalize this occurrence and use Scripture to resolve the dissonance.
Chuck and Ashley Elliott are authors of I Used to be ____: How to Navigate Large and Small Losses in Life and Find Your Path Forward (Revell).
