In the Gospel of Luke, Jesus introduces a challenging command: “So watch yourselves.” Interestingly, he pairs this warning with instructions on how to handle personal offenses. While our natural instinct is to focus on the person who wronged us, Jesus redirects our attention inward. This “watch yourself” forgiveness principle reminds us that our primary responsibility during conflict is to guard our own hearts against resentment.
The premise behind this warning is that an unforgiving spirit is incredibly easy to develop and difficult to detect. Hebrews 12:15 (ESV) cautions us to “see to it that… no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up.” Bitterness is like a hidden root system; even if you cut down the visible tree of anger, the underlying resentment can sprout again if the roots remain. Cultivating empathy as a path to forgiveness is essential to ensuring these roots are fully removed from our lives.
It can be difficult to admit the true depth of our anger toward those who have hurt us. Often, we maintain a self-image of being “fine” while secretly harboring ill will. We might claim to have forgiven while still quietly rooting for the other person’s downfall. Truly understanding forgiveness in extreme hurts requires us to move past this denial and confront the resentment that hinders our spiritual freedom.
When Jesus says to those wronged, “Watch yourselves,” and the Hebrew writer says, “See to it” (a term that means to pay close attention to something), it means we should assume that we are more resentful and less forgiving and more controlled by what people have done to us than we think we are. Hidden roots work in hidden ways; unless you dig around to find them, you may never see them until they have sprouted and you have done or said something cruel that shocks you.
Unless you forgive deliberately, thoroughly, and with all the help Christ offers, your anger will “defile” you, as Hebrews says. Our English word wrath comes from the same Anglo‑Saxon root as our word wreath. Wrath means to be twisted out of your normal shape by your anger.
And the same Anglo‑Saxon word also gives us the now somewhat archaic word wraith. We don’t use it much anymore (unless you read The Lord of the Rings), but it’s an old word for a ghost, a spirit that can’t rest. Ghosts, according to legend, stay in the place where something was done to them, and they can’t get over it or stop reliving it. If you don’t deal with your wrath through forgiveness, wrath can make you a wraith, turning you slowly but surely into a restless spirit, into someone who’s controlled by the past, someone who’s haunted.
For example, if somebody has done something wrong to you and you haven’t been able to forgive, at the very least you get a low‑level spiritual fever called self‑pity. That gives you a sense of entitlement—you feel that for what you have gone through, you deserve a break, some good treatment. If that good treatment is not forthcoming, you may slide into joyless cynicism about people and life. Or say you can’t forgive the person who broke up with you. That may affect your whole attitude toward romantic relationships.
If you cannot forgive your parents for the things they’ve done, it will distort your relationship with authority figures. If you have your own children, you may overcompensate and do either more than or the opposite of what your parents did to you. You might end up parenting your children not according to their needs but according to your own.
Watch yourselves. We live in a world where canceling, ghosting and insults are the norm. You will experience snubs on a regular basis, and in some cases will experience real injustice. How are you going to keep it all from turning you into a wraith controlled by the past? You must forgive and forgive well.
From Forgive, by Timothy Keller, published by Viking, an imprint of the Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright © 2022 by Timothy Keller.