EDITORIAL
Discern the Times | Amy Orr-Ewing
Most Christian leaders will face period of anxiety at some point in their life. I would characterize this as a pervasive feeling that you are not OK. This need not necessarily be connected to circumstances. It is possible to have a loving support structure of family, friends, community and your team and yet still feel bereft and anxious deep down.
High-functioning anxiety can mean that outwardly we are achieving as much as ever. Attention to detail, outstanding results and assured social confidence are there to point to, but inside anxiety gnaws away and drives us on to work harder, deliver the results we feel we need to, and just make it over the next hurdle in the hope that when we get there, we will feel better. But we never seem to make it to the end of the list or reach the day when there are no more worries.
Anxiety can also express itself as hypervigilance: waiting for the sky to fall while constantly working to prevent our fears from happening. The drive to do enough, and remember all the pitfalls, and keep pushing forward can be crippling.
Gripped With Anxiety
As a perfectionist I lived my life working hard and overpreparing for situations so that whatever happened I would be OK. I have been in a lot of high adrenaline situations around the world, addressing large audiences and taking questions, speaking in high profile political settings, Bible smuggling or doing ministry events in countries where it is illegal to do so, ministering in the inner city among gangs. I think I believed that fear was a luxury I should not entertain. In dangerous situations I had found God, or just found another gear within, so that I could feel I was operating in faith and courage.
After a traumatic experience in my 40s, that suddenly didn’t work anymore for me. I would be struck with panic out of the blue at the thought of my attacker contacting me. One time I was swimming in the ocean with my husband and children. Panic hit me and I was gasping for breath. I thought I was having a heart attack. I would have drowned if my husband had not got ahold of me and helped get me back to shore.
Lower-level tumbling anxiety also bubbled away, and I could feel every sinew of my body surging with cortisol. On the darkest days I prayed for oblivion—just to feel some relief. Anxiety is like a nauseous feeling that will not go away.
Getting Help
During an anxious time, we can be genuinely vulnerable. It is worth prioritizing getting help from established mental health practitioners. I have been profoundly helped by therapy. It is not something to be ashamed of. I needed help. One of the things that helped me the most was thinking about how much I love my children, and how I would do anything I could to alleviate their suffering or fears. When my therapist asked me whether I could extend the same kindness to myself and envision God offering me that kind of love, something within me broke.
I experienced the deep truth that love casts out fear. Alongside therapy over a protracted period of time, I received a flow of divine love that tended to my anxious soul.
As leaders we grow in competence and confidence and in many other glorious ways through the years. But I needed to learn how to receive love in a new way in order to heal from anxiety and trauma. And I needed to learn how to extend kindness to myself, to change the tone and content of my inner dialogue. The compassion I could easily offer those I cared for or served needed to be turned within.
We can also turn to the Lord and receive mercy, strength and help from him. Step one is admitting I need support. The tendency in leaders toward self-reliance is strong. We may see ourselves as the one others look to, the person who has solutions and not problems. But none of us is ever beyond looking to God as our helper and deliverer. When anxiety stalks, call on the name of the Lord.
‘Little Flock’
If we can find a secure foundation in relationship with Christ, we will be released from so many of the worries of this life, and we will be able to lead with a freedom and security that is rare and beautiful. Jesus sums up the section of teaching in Luke 12 by saying: “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.” We can revel in being his “little flock,” a relationship of attachment, tenderness, affection and intimacy. Leaders who feel secure to be one of his “little flock” are not driven by acquisition, power, celebrity, the drive to make an impact, or a sense of importance because they have received the kingdom and the joy of the Father. In the kingdom small is precious, small is good—a very small amount of yeast can have a huge effect for good. If we think along the lines of the empires and power structures of this world we will build churches and organizations that seek impressive influence, but kingdom influence is subtle and may seem small or unimpressive, but to Jesus being his little flock matters greatly. And it is a key to living free from fear and anxiety.