I blew my knee out, but the physical injury wasn’t what hurt the most; it was the isolation and rejection that followed. While we often associate pain exclusively with physical trauma, social pain is just as real and often more enduring. In this post, I explore what recent neuroscience reveals about social rejection and provide practical tips for pastors and leaders to avoid unintentionally harming others, especially when improving visitor messaging and welcome strategies.
During college, I was a deep-threat receiver for my flag football team, relying on my speed to outrun defenders. During one specific game, the quarterback called a “down and out” route. My assignment was to sprint ten yards downfield, plant my foot, and make a sharp pivot to the right to catch the incoming pass.
We lined up and I took off at full speed. As I planted my left foot to make the cut, I caught the ball, but my knee suddenly exploded. I crumpled to the ground in agonizing pain and had to be carried to the sidelines. As I sat there hobbling and processing the injury, I began contemplating the deeper implications of avoiding unintentional harm in outreach and leadership.
When the game ended, all my teammates left. The field where we played was a mile from my dorm room and I didn’t have a car. Nobody asked me how I was doing. Nobody offered me a ride. It took an hour to hobble back to my dorm room. The next week I learned that I had blown out my knee which later required surgery.
As I write this, I don’t feel the physical pain from the injury. But I still can feel a tinge of rejection I felt that day when no one showed me any concern. I’m not angry at the guys. I can simply feel some of the pain of rejection I felt then.
It’s a brain thing. Neuroscientists have discovered that our brain records social pain, like rejection, in the same place in our brain where we feel physical pain. In other words, getting rejected really hurts just like physical pain really hurts. That day I got a double whammy.
Across multiple languages we even use words to describe social pain that we typically use to describe physical pain like, “she broke my heart,” or he “hurt my feelings.” Disapproving facial expressions can even create social pain, especially those most prone to feeling hurt from rejection.
So what can we do as leaders to avoid unintentionally hurting others? I suggest three tips.
- Help your church be more aware of those who are alone on Sundays. Often before a service you can easily spot those who are sitting alone. The same is true after church for those who stand alone in the lobby or in your café. Encourage your regulars to look for people who are alone. And when they see someone alone, encourage them to introduce themselves to the person and genuinely seek to make them feel welcome.
- Be careful with your facial expressions. Be aware that our facial expressions often communicate more than our actual words. Studies show that even looking at disapproving faces can evoke social pain. Without being fake, don’t bring your ‘poker’ face to church. Bring your kind and pleasant one. If you’ve not sure what kind of face you usually bring, ask someone who is close to you to observe you interacting with others to give you feedback
- Finally, teach your church about the brain. Help them understand how our brain impacts community, spiritual growth, and leadership. For a primer on the brain in layman’s terms, check out my most book called Brain-Savvy Leaders.
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This article originally appeared on CharlesStone.com and is reposted here by permission.
