When Our Way Isn’t Working: Staying Connected to Jesus

“I have a friend who is an executive coach. I think you should give him a call.”

That’s what a buddy said to me when he recognized that my way of doing things wasn’t working. He worded it more graciously than that, saying something like, “You just haven’t been yourself lately.” Initially, I was dismissive and defensive, but deep down I knew he was right—I was tired, I wasn’t sleeping well, and whether I realized it or not at that time, I was discouraged.

I have never been someone who is easily discouraged. I have rarely felt overly stressed or anxious. I have always been driven and energetic. For most of my life it hadn’t been hard to see the potential good and keep a positive perspective. But the last few months had been especially challenging and the people around me could see I was struggling. To make matters worse, I was struggling with the fact that I was struggling, which made my struggling more of a struggle.

So, even though I didn’t want to say yes to my friend’s suggestion that I meet with an executive coach, deep down, I knew I really needed the help. But I don’t think I’m the only one.

As leaders, I think it can be hard to ask for help because we don’t like to be perceived as weak, or at the very least, we worry that it will weigh down the people we are trying to move forward in our organizations—especially in the midst of the unique challenges of the last few years. We’ve read the statistics. Pastoral burnout is on the rise, and the pastoral load is rising with it. The confidence of business leaders has plummeted in recent years, but we’ve never needed leaders more than now to step up and lead through the cultural shifts and innovation that needs to take place. Exhaustion is ramping up, but our society is not slowing down. 

One of the more personal and shocking statistics has come from our own staff here in Louisville, Kentucky: Many area licensed counselors currently have a 6–8 week waiting list for people to get in. The needs are never-ending and the expectations on church leaders are ever-increasing. 

A few minutes into my first Zoom meeting with my executive coach, I was struck by a realization: Wait a second! You’re a therapist! You just call yourself an executive coach so people like me will talk to you. I was onto him. I blew his cover like it was the end of a Scooby-Doo cartoon. 

I talked to him about my feelings the best I knew how. Before I knew what was happening, I started to unload:

  • Everyone has an opinion about what I should be doing differently or how I could do it better.
  • I can’t post anything on social media without somebody taking it personally and getting offended.
  • My list of things that need to get done feels like a weight that’s too heavy, but more plates get added to the barbell every day.
  • The people I care about the most are always getting my leftover energy and time.
  • I’m in over my head. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I think everyone around me is starting to figure that out.
  • I feel like everyone needs something from me, and all I do is let them down.
  • For the first time in my life, I don’t feel very motived or driven. I come home from work and just want to lie on the couch and stare at my phone.
  • Even though I know God’s grace, I feel like I’m letting him down. I don’t know why he doesn’t pull me out of the game and put someone else in.
  • I feel discouraged, and I’m discouraged about feeling discouraged, because I’m supposed to be the one who encourages people who are discouraged.

My executive coach therapist went on to ask me a series of questions. (It reminded me of going to my primary physician, who would run through a list of questions to determine if I’m healthy.) 

He asked me about my schedule: “How are you sleeping? Are you keeping a consistent routine?” 

He asked about my relationships: “What kind of time are you spending with your wife? How connected are you with your kids?” 

He asked about my friendships: “Do you have authentic friendships? Or do you just have buddies and co-workers?” 

He asked about who I’m honest with: “When was the last time you asked someone to help you or pray for you?”

I was starting to get defensive. Umm … I’m doing it right now, bro.

And then he asked me about my relationship with Jesus: “How connected do you feel to him, and how much time do you spend praying and reading Scripture? Are you talking to Jesus about the things you just shared with me?”

I wanted to give honest answers to all these questions. I wanted to tell him my life felt out of control, like I was always underwater, straining to break through the surface and get a lungful of air. I wanted to tell him I wasn’t sleeping well at night because I couldn’t turn off the scrolling list of things in my head that I hadn’t gotten done that day. I wanted to tell him I felt lonely and that I hadn’t been making time for the people closest to me. I wanted to tell him I hadn’t been walking as closely with Jesus as I’d like to, and how much I missed Jesus. 

I wanted to admit that the way I was living wasn’t working, but I didn’t say any of those things. Instead, I began to blame people and circumstances over which I had no control.

After my therapist had completed his questions and I had listed my answers, he asked me a simple question: “How would you say that’s working for you?”

I couldn’t believe he dropped the How’s that working for ya? question on me. That’s the question I ask other people. I don’t do much pastoral counseling, but “How’s that working for ya?” is the question I ask people who need to make a change. My therapist asked it more gently and a little less passive-aggressively than I would have, but I’ve asked the question enough to know it’s a rhetorical question. The answer was so obvious that it didn’t need to be said out loud. We both knew my way wasn’t working. And for the person on the other side of this screen, I’d ask you the same thing he asked me: How is your way working for you?

Maybe that question is too general, so let me get a bit more specific. Take a few minutes to think through your answers to these questions:

  • Would the people you’re closest to say that when they talk to you, you listen well?
  • Is it difficult to fall asleep at night? Do you wake up feeling lethargic?
  • How do you spend the first 15 minutes of your morning?
  • What’s the last thing you do before going to bed at night?
  • What’s the last passage of Scripture you read and meditated on?
  • On average, how much time do you spend a week doing some kind of hobby?
  • Are you constantly dropping the ball on basic responsibilities like paying bills or replying to emails?
  • Are you having a difficult time keeping commitments?
  • How many unread or unanswered texts do you have right now?
  • If you’re a parent, can you tell me the names of your child’s teachers?
  • Have you been more irritable and easily annoyed with people?
  • Do you spend more time on social media or more time in prayer?
  • When was the last time you asked someone for help?
  • Have you experienced some weight gain?
  • How many times in the past seven days have you exercised?
  • Have you experienced an increase in backaches, headaches or digestive issues?
  • How often do you say you’re too busy when asked to do something you want to do?
  • How often do you volunteer or find ways to serve every month?
  • When the last time you read a book?
  • Do you get irrationally upset when the drive-through line is taking too long?
  • Have you become more apathetic to things you once cared deeply about?
  • Do you increasingly find yourself wanting to be left alone?
  • Do you feel your contributions and efforts are often unnoticed or unappreciated?
  • Where do you go or what do you do to escape the stress and pressure you feel?
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how defensive and annoyed have these questions made you?

So how’s your way working for you, really? What I’ve learned since I met with the therapist, and am still learning, is that our way isn’t working and we need a new way, or perhaps, an old one. 

After my first meeting, I was getting ready to start a new sermon series that would expound on John 14–17. Recorded in these chapters of John are the final words of Jesus to his closest followers before his crucifixion. This passage of Scripture is often referred to as the “Farewell Discourse.” Four different discourses of Jesus are identified in the Gospels, but this is the longest and certainly the most personal. Jesus knows he doesn’t have much time left on earth—his time with the disciples is coming to an end—so he has some things he wants to make sure to say to them. 

If you’ve ever spent time with someone in the final moments of their life, you know that the conversations are especially personal and intentional. The disciples don’t realize that this is the end of their time with Jesus, but he knows full well what is coming. He knows the uncertainty they will experience in the days ahead. He knows the challenges they’ll face and the insecurity they’ll feel. He knows how overwhelmed they will feel regarding the mission he will give them. He knows how people will misunderstand them and falsely accuse them. He knows they will soon feel worn-out and weak. And Jesus knows that if his disciples try to do things their way, it won’t work.

Doing things their way will create division and cause them to turn on each other. Doing things their way will cause them to feel discouraged with the lack of progress. It will make them feel like quitting because of their own inadequacies. It will leave them feeling overwhelmed by everything that is out of their control. Doing things their way will leave them angry with God and with each other, but especially with themselves.

So what do you do when your way isn’t working? I want to highlight one verse that has changed my life and my leadership: 

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).

The phrase “can do nothing” captures the exasperation of your way that isn’t working. You feel like you’ve put in the work but you’re not getting the results. Despite your good intentions, and maybe even your disciplined routines, you’re not seeing the gains. There are other ways to translate “can do nothing.” You might say, “Nothing seems to be working” or “I can’t catch a break” or “The deck’s stacked against me” or “What’s the point?” or “I’ve tried everything.”

When nothing you do is working, Jesus gives a metaphor to help you know what to focus on, and it all comes down to one word: connection. Jesus says he is the vine and we are the branches, and as long as we stay connected with him, we will bear much fruit, but apart from him nothing works the way it should. 

The word that keeps showing up as Jesus unpacks this metaphor is remain. The English Standard Version translates the Greek word ménō here as “abide.” It shows up 11 times in John 15:1–15. In his final moments, Jesus tells his followers again and again to stay connected with him. No matter what happens in the future, no matter how discouraged you become, no matter how disappointed you are, no matter how frustrating the situation is, no matter what you have to lead through or how large the workload is, no matter how tired you feel, no matter what trouble you experience, here’s the one thing you must never forget to do: Stay connected.

When your way isn’t working, return to the way of Jesus. Check your connection with the Vine. Start your workday, your workweek, with this one thing: remaining. Just see what God does. Something happens when you remain. It realigns your priorities. It refocuses your purpose. And given enough time, it will reshape the culture you are leading. Before any job description or job expectation, your first role is to be the branch, and the branch’s most important job is to stay connected with the Vine.

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Kyle Idleman
Kyle Idlemanhttps://KyleIdleman.com

Kyle Idleman is a senior pastor at Southeast Christian Church and a bestselling author of several books including One at a TimeGods at War, and End of MeNot A Fan, his award-winning book, sold over 1.3 million copies and sparked a movement among believers. His next book When Your Way Isn’t Working is set to release in June 2023.

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