Is Your Church a Safe Place for People With Same-Sex Attraction?

5. Don’t “out” someone.

It is unwise to put someone on the spot with a question like, “Are you gay?” Even if you think you know, respect this person’s right to disclose the information on their timetable. Nobody wants to live with a secret. If you prove yourself to be a safe person, they will want to talk sooner rather than later.

6. Speak sympathetically to the struggle of SSA.

Humble statements can go a long way. “I can only imagine how hard it would be to experience unwanted same-sex attraction and feel caught in so many cultural debates. Trying to figure out who to talk to might be as hard as anything else. That would be incredibly lonely.” A statement like this in social contexts where homosexuality is being discussed raises a flag of peace to be seen by those looking for a safe friend.

7. Study one of the books listed below with your small group.

It may work best to first equip existing friends within your church. A small group that has learned to be a safe place for SSA conversations is an excellent beginning for a church, and an ideal place to invite someone who may experience SSA. It can give your friend a chance to see that your church may actually offer real community.

I would encourage you to read my book Do Ask, Do Tell, Let’s Talk, Mark Yarhouse’s Homosexuality and the Christian: A Guide for Parents, Pastors, and Friends, or Rosaria Butterfield’s The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert for further guidance.

8. Most importantly, when you have the opportunity to become friends with someone who experiences SSA, invest in that friendship.

You can do that in three ways:
First, have fun together. Mutual enjoyment is a good indicator that a friendship is not devolving into a “project relationship.” Mutual enjoyment builds memories and stories. Mutual enjoyment strengthens the relationship. And the stronger the relationship is, the less likely either of you will be to give offense or take offense. What the fun looks like will vary in every friendship, but try to see the fun for what it is—the mortar between the bricks, rather than merely the icing on the cake.

Second, go broad, not narrow. If SSA is the majority topic of conversation, your relationship will become more therapeutic or polemical than friendly. So spend the majority of your time talking about subjects other than SSA. This is how you make the friendship about life and shared interests, not about SSA as such. For example, if the two of you have this kind of discipleship relationship, study a book of the Bible together or a mutually relevant Christian book. Seek what God says about all of life together, not just SSA.

Third, allow your friend to speak into your life, as well. The most effective way to gain the right to be heard is to listen. Particularly if your friend is a Christian, they have something to offer you. Even if they’re not, they have a life experience that is different from yours and can offer a fresh perspective. Much can be learned about how someone thinks by asking, “How do you see my situation? What would you do and why?” Asking these kinds of questions will likely bless you and advance the friendship you want to build.

Brad Hambrick is the pastor of counseling at The Summit Church in Durham, North Carolina, and author of Do Ask, Do Tell, Let’s Talk: Why and How Christians Should Have Gay Friends (Cruciform Press, 2016). This article was originally published on JDGreear.com.

Brad Hambrick
Brad Hambrickhttp://bradhambrick.com/

Brad Hambrick is the pastor of counseling at The Summit Church in Durham, North Carolina, and assistant professor of biblical counseling at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary.

Fit for the Kingdom

The Lord prompted Reardon to think about combining Christian fellowship with fitness in order to create a new small group for men.

4 Reminders for Discouraged Parents

Parenting can be hard, so let these truths encourage you.

Lessons From the Early Church

The early church can show us that through patience and careful cultural discernment, we can navigate the torrents of modern culture.