Recently, I was asked to help navigate a difficult situation in a church. The lead pastor was facing a challenge with a couple of his board members who had been talking among themselves and who had brought a couple of other people into their unhealthy alliance. They had questioned the pastor on a few decisions he had made and voiced their opinions in a board meeting, but the rest of the board hadn’t backed them. After that, they went underground, spreading mistrust to those willing to listen. The topic wasn’t what concerned me; I knew the pastor and his heart for the church. I’m sure he would have been happy to continue conversations with them, but they didn’t go to him with their thoughts. What concerned me was that they chose suspicion over trust. Instead of believing the best, they chose to believe the worst. They jumped to a negative conclusion rather than a positive one.
This is what can happen when someone begins to drift toward division. They might start to assign negative motives to their leader. That may center on how their leader spent money from the budget, why they hired or fired someone, a personal purchase they made, or something that happened in a staff meeting. Often they share their opinion with someone else on the team first. This only adds insult to injury and fuel to the fire, and it can quickly start reshaping the lens through which the leader is viewed by whoever is watching—staff members, the board, and perhaps the whole church.
All of this divisiveness can usually be handled and the pain can be avoided with an honest and spiritually mature conversation among those who are actually invested in the issue. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. Here are some things to watch for:
Needing Others to Be Aware of and Agree With Their Anger
I’m sure you’ve heard the statement “Misery loves company.” When it comes to leaders, that holds true. They want others to share in their frustration and validate their opinion. They want team members and co-leaders to know why they’re mad, why they’re hurt, and in some cases, why they’re leaving.
I have seen many people transition out of a team. Some of them feel the necessity to do what I call a “farewell tour.” Phone calls, texts, visits, and posts on social media are all a part of the tour. Their underlying motive is to let people know their true feelings about the transition. I find it funny how many people share or post about their situation. They think that by being slightly vague, they are somehow not crossing an ethical line—as if the person reading their post can’t figure out what the true intent is behind the message. But any misunderstanding can easily morph into suspicion.
I have walked this road with team members and with staff members from different churches I have coached. I can say with full confidence that the “farewell tour” approach never works. The leader who is allowed a prolonged farewell tour often takes the opportunity to air grievances, smears the church that Jesus died for, and in the end damages their own reputation.
It is never a good idea to have conversations with other staff members or leaders in hopes that they will be swayed to see your side. It’s even worse to communicate those feelings with people in the church. Never bring sheep into a shepherd’s conversation. You will always end up hurting people.
Pitting One Person Against Another
I’m a huge Seinfeld fan. I know every single episode and every funny line. I have a few friends who share the same love, and we will often text each other lines from the show. It doesn’t matter how many times I have seen an episode, every time I watch it the jokes and banter still make me laugh.
George Costanza is one of my favorites. He is neurotic on every possible level, overreacting in almost every situation. In one episode, he is dating a girl who has a young son. At the boy’s birthday party, George sees what he thinks is a fire and makes a mad dash toward the front door. He pushes, shoves, and even knocks down children and an elderly lady using a walker on his rush to be the first one out of the apartment. After the event is over, he desperately tries to justify his actions to his girlfriend, a few partygoers, and a firefighter. He attempts to get the firefighter on his side and tries to pit him against the rest of the crowd, who is scolding George for his actions. His attempts fail when the firefighter finally says, “How do you live with yourself?” George replies, “It’s not easy.”
Pitting someone against another person can often happen in a leadership environment, such as when a team member plays one leader against another. A situation like this was instigated by an executive pastor at one church I coached. This pastor was telling different staff members that the lead pastor was disappointed in them and didn’t think they were doing a good job. The executive even told one person that the lead pastor didn’t trust them anymore. This was all done to pit the staff members against the lead pastor and make the executive pastor the hero. He most likely set himself up as the hero by making statements like, “The pastor doesn’t believe in you, but I do.”
When a leader manipulates a situation like this executive did, it produces two outcomes: creating division and winning people over to their side. Both are wrong, are unhealthy, and have no place on a team.
So, what should you do if you see these signs of division in yourself? Admit the truth, figure out the source, and make things right. You might need to have some honest conversations with your leader or maybe with a trusted friend who is on the outside. Either way, you can’t let any of these unhealthy thoughts or patterns continue. You need to confront them now before they take root in your life. As with cancer, the earlier you catch the signs of divisive tendencies in your life, the better chance there is for the thriving of the whole body. You also have the chance to turn them around. By doing this, you will be saving yourself and countless others from hurt and pain. Don’t fall into the trap of justifying your thoughts or actions. Choose humility. Choose to serve. Choose to keep your heart postured toward submission. The more you learn to serve under a leader’s authority, the more opportunity you’ll have to serve over others in a position of authority.
If you see someone on your team drifting toward division, you must have the courage to call it out. Do it in a spirit of love and with a heart filled with grace, but do it. If you don’t, you are only asking for additional trouble in the future. The Bible gives us clear instructions about this matter. Titus 3:10 reads, “If people are causing divisions among you, give a first and second warning. After that, have nothing more to do with them.”
Why is the Bible so straightforward about this subject? Because the Lord knows that if the divisive person doesn’t change, then the potential damage can be devastating. Have the tough conversation and believe that God will change that person’s heart. Protect the church and the vision God has placed on your heart, and refuse to let a divisive spirit tear the church apart.
