How the Church Can Support Survivors of Domestic Violence

Domestic abuse is an epidemic issue that has been going on for generations right within the walls of the church. I believe that God is calling us to step up and into this place of sin and suffering in our faith communities.               

I can guarantee that no matter how big or small your church is, there are people there who have experienced or who are currently experiencing domestic abuse. Lack of knowledge plays a big factor in why abuse is not addressed, but fear is a big motivator for churches as well. One pastor shared, “I don’t want to open that can of worms.”

I get it, I really do. If you hold an abuser accountable, he may have done such an excellent job of image management that people side with him, and it creates a church split. This is especially scary in a smaller church. The risk feels too great, but God has called us to address these situations, as Jude wrote in Jude 1:23, “Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgment. Show mercy to still others, but do so with great caution, hating the sins that contaminate their lives” (NLT).

Our organization, Abuse Recovery Ministry Services, works diligently with church leaders to help them understand the impact of domestic abuse and how they can help defend the defenseless. Ignoring the truth about domestic abuse does not make it go away. We believe God hates domestic violence because of the damage it does to couples, individuals, families and society. We have seen the fallout for decades. At ARMS we would love to see every marriage thriving, but we cannot change anyone. God is the only one who can change the hearts of people, but the abuser must be willing to seek help and partner with God. Without God, no one will successfully achieve the depth of change needed.

The entire faith community has a role in helping to end domestic abuse. People don’t need to be experts, but they should know what they can do to help. They need their leaders to speak up about abuse. Since domestic violence and abuse is a societal issue, it’s going to take the whole community to shift the thinking of avoiding or denying this issue to one of taking action.

The first step to ending domestic abuse is educating yourself and others around you. Here are seven ways you can support survivors of domestic abuse:                                                

1. Listen without judgment. Purpose not to spiritualize the issues by encouraging a victim to pray harder or praying with them. While praying about abuse is not bad, it is only one step of many that should be taken.
2. Believe them. It is not your job to try and figure out if the victim is telling the truth. Why would an individual want to lie about being abused anyway? What would they gain from this? It is a big deal that they are telling you at all, so do not discount their feelings.
3. Continually remind them that the abuse they’re experiencing or have experienced is not their fault. Even if their behavior was inappropriate in the situation they shared with you, it does not justify abuse. Never ask what they did to make the abuser so angry or what their part was in this. That is a normal marital conflict counseling approach. However, this is not how abusive relationships should be handled.                                                                    
4. Know the resources available in your community. It’s important to build relationships with and know where you can send a victim for help. This helps you to better serve them and it helps victims understand their options.                                                               
5. Your job is to support them. Don’t be pushy. Pray for them and let them know you are there for them. Ask them what they need from you. Encourage them to seek help, but don’t be pushy. It can take victims six months to a year to call us after taking a tear-off tab from an ARMS flier in a restroom stall. It takes a lot of courage to begin to consider what they’re experiencing is actually abuse and even more courage to begin setting boundaries. There are a lot of risks involved.                                                
6. Walk alongside them when they are ready to seek help. When they are ready to begin seeking help, sit with them while they make that phone call or go with them to the courthouse or local domestic violence center to get a protection or restraining order. However, the more they can do on their own, the stronger they will become. Each step strengthens them for the next step.
7. Don’t give up on them. It’s not uncommon for victims to return to an abuser. Victims may leave their abuser multiple times, even up to seven times, before they leave for good. This can feel very confusing, but you need to remember they want the relationship to work. Yet if you have helped them move multiple times just for them to return, it can become very tiring and discouraging. Most individuals, when they’re finally to the point of being really ready, have already lost their health, finances, friends, and family, with no one to support or help them, and no place to go.

While domestic abuse is a broad issue, and these tips only scratch the surface of understanding how to fight the epidemic, we all have to start somewhere. The church is called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, defend the weak, and uphold the oppressed. Survivors of domestic violence are not excluded, no matter how uncomfortable you feel addressing the issue. Together we can march against abuse and share the love of God.

Adapted from On the Frontlines of Abuse: Strategies for the Faith Community by Stacey Womack, ©2024. Used by permission of Stacey Womack.