It was one of those pinnacle moments in the life of a leader that you kind of want to frame and hang on the wall. King David had died, and now his son Solomon was set to assume the throne. Before David died, he told his son to walk in obedience with God, and for the most part Solomon did just that. First Kings 3:3 says, “Solomon showed his love for the Lord by walking according to the instructions given him by his father David, except that he offered sacrifices and burned incense on the high places.”
During the early days of Solomon’s reign, the Lord appeared to him in a dream, which sounds like the coolest possible thing that could happen to a person. Cooler still, God said this to Solomon: “Ask for whatever you want me to give you” (v. 5). Showing great maturity and restraint, here is what Solomon then said:
You have shown great kindness to your servant, my father David, because he was faithful to you and righteous and upright in heart. You have continued this great kindness to him and have given him a son to sit on his throne this very day.
Now, Lord my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours? (vv. 6–9).
Solomon was king of Israel. He was the man. And now God was standing there, offering him whatever his heart desired. He could have asked for riches, for fame, for a sweet, sleek new chariot. The sky was the limit! And he asked for … discernment?
While you and I might have chosen differently, evidently this request pleased the Lord. God said to the king:
Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for—both wealth and honor—so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. And if you walk in obedience to me and keep my decrees and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life (vv. 11–14).
I’ll never be anywhere near as smart as Solomon was, but as tensions in the world heighten and the chasm between us as people seems only to widen, I find myself praying the same prayer he prayed some three thousand years ago: “Father, please give me a discerning heart, a heart that knows right from wrong.”
Why do I pray this? Because if there is one aspect of life where wisdom and discernment are most needed, it is in the words we choose to speak. And based on what Luke 6:45 says, before our speech flows from our mouth, it courses through the yearnings of our heart. “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart,” Jesus said. “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
When our heart is pure, our words are pure as well.
I’ve often said that where two or three are gathered together, an argument is bound to ensue. Maybe you can relate. We want to be agreeable; it’s just that in most cases if we choose to agree with the other person, then we’d both be wrong. Am I right?
We all need seasons when we learn to measure our words, and for those of us who are overtalkers, those seasons might have to be divinely imposed. Words matter—I’ve always known that to be true. The whole “sticks and stones” spiel? It’s a total sham. Words can—and do—really hurt.
But silence might matter more, an idea I’m starting to come around to these days. Later in Proverbs, it says that a word aptly spoken is like “apples of gold in settings of silver” (25:11), an image that’s kind of foreign to our modern minds. The point is that it’s valuable, that it is worth its weight in gold.
I want my words to be weighty like that.
I want my words to count.
When words are working right, people who are in conversation with each other can maintain civility while still stating their views. As they respond to others, their hearts stay tender. Their countenance stays open. Their tone stays gentle. Their laughter comes easy and quick.
We’ve lost the ability to have these conversations in our world today, life-giving give-and-take exchanges in which each party is focused more on listening well than on getting their piece said.
It’s time we get it back.
Tip No. 1: Reject Easy Offense.
I’ve not always been advisably judicious with my words, but I have been getting better, and I’d like to point out the tips that have helped. Up first is this one: reject easy offense.
I’m going to make a bold statement here, but I stand by it, every word: easily offended people are not walking in the power of the Holy Spirit. I have never once seen an exception to this truth. Here’s why: The Holy Spirit will not invest his power in a person who is not committed to peace. God cannot abide contentious people. God is searching for peacemakers to inhabit, to bless. Which means that until we surrender to God’s will and God’s ways, we quench the Spirit’s work in our daily lives.
We don’t want this to happen, trust me.
We need God’s power in our lives.
Tip No. 2: Test Every Word.
James 1:19 says that as followers of Jesus, we should be three things when it comes to how we use our words:
- We should be quick to listen.
- We should be slow to speak.
- We should be slow to anger
The point of these verses is that you and I should practice self-control as we communicate with other people. So often we slow down our listening and speed up our speech. We have things we want to say! Why isn’t everyone listening to us?
James offers the opposite approach: we should speed up our listening and slow down our speech. And between those two activities, we are to carefully test our words.
More than 140 passages throughout Scripture refer to the use of our words. To me, that means God cares deeply about how we communicate. We’re wise to get his input before a single word slips from our mouth.
Test your words, and you’ll use better ones.
See if that isn’t the case.
Tip No. 3: Trust God to Help You Grow.
To follow Jesus is to understand that we are changed in the following, that as we continue along the path of righteousness he has paved, we will be different later than we were when we began.
At the same time, to live this human life is to understand that we use a lot of words in a given day, in a given week and month and year.
The question I have for us, then, is this: Given these two big ideas, do you think it’s possible that God uses our interpersonal interactions to help accomplish his good work in us?
I think about this whenever I’m tempted to fuss and fume over how annoying other people can be. I love being a pastor. Also true: my job would be infinitely easier were it not for the people I deal with day after day.
I’m guessing the same is true for you. You may love your family, your neighbors, your colleagues, and your friends, but at the same time people surely complicate your otherwise calm, peaceful life.
You know, the one and only time in Scripture when Jesus described his heart shows up in Matthew 11:29. “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,” he said, “for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
I can’t read that verse without feeling my shoulders reflexively drop. Jesus is gentle and humble. Which means that as God transforms us to become more like his Son, we will be increasingly gentle and humble too. In the midst of conversations and interactions that are frustrating or even infuriating, we do well to remember this truth. Sharp tongues have no place in the kingdom of our heavenly Father. He’s after gentleness. Humility. Peace.
I can tell you with complete confidence that as we more carefully weigh our words, we will be kinder in our speech. Even when we need to offer a correction or a rebuke, kindness will mark our input. Jesus will be reflected in us.
Taken from Life Minded: 8 Practices for Belonging to God and Each Other by Brady Boyd © 2024. Used by permission of Our Daily Bread Publishing®, Box 3566, Grand Rapids, MI 49501. All rights reserved. Further distribution is prohibited without written permission from Our Daily Bread Publishing® at permissionsdept@odb.org.