I love my life and the roles I play as a husband and father to my three children. It is a rewarding journey, yet it looks nothing like I originally imagined. As someone who thrives on structure, I used to expect every plan to unfold exactly as intended. While that mindset might seem humorous in hindsight, it took significant heartache to truly understand the importance of acceptance of life changes.
When Sarah and I married in 2007, we felt established; I was a pastor in Colorado and she was a teacher. We had just purchased a condo with incredible views and intended to put down roots. However, life pivoted quickly when we discovered we were pregnant just two months after our wedding. Soon after, I faced a difficult professional crossroads. We had to choose between the security of a controlling environment or stepping out in faith to pursue a counseling degree, navigating rapid change with faith as our guide.
We chose the path of education, moving just before our first child arrived. I transitioned from a high-salary position to managing a fast-food restaurant while the 2008 recession erased our expected home equity. Even after earning my master’s degree, my initial private practice struggled to provide for us. During this season of financial strain and secondary infertility, I felt my plans crumbling. It was a period of deep frustration where true acceptance and spiritual renewal felt nearly impossible to reach.
Fast-forward another two years, and I had found a stable job in Colorado Springs working for a community mental health facility. I was also working as a professor at my alma mater, Colorado Christian University. But we still couldn’t get pregnant, and my anger was starting to turn to bitterness toward God and the world. It was Easter, and we had just spent time with Sarah’s family in Texas. I left Sarah and Hannah with Sarah’s parents for an extended stay while I drove home to go back to work. This was a drive I had made hundreds of times as we went back and forth between Colorado and Texas. I vividly remember driving across northern New Mexico, with the sun rising behind me. There were thunderclouds in the sky up ahead, and as the sun came up, “sun doggies” (small rainbow spots), as we call them, popped up in the sky. As I drove farther and the sun rose higher, the sun doggies would appear and disappear in different places in the sky. As I drove, I got this deep sense in my heart that God was playing with me. This took me by surprise, because I had been very turned off to talking with God. I drove a little farther and heard this voice say, “Pray for a baby by Christmas.” In that moment it felt like an audible voice, and it freaked me out. I pulled over on the side of the four-lane New Mexico highway, got out of the car, and opened all the doors of my 2004 Honda Pilot. I wanted to make sure there wasn’t anyone stowing away in my trunk! I didn’t find anyone. I got back in the car and started to drive. Several miles down the road I said out loud, “Okay, Lord! If you want me to pray for a baby by Christmas, I will, but I don’t believe you are going to do it. Nothing else has worked out according to plan. Why would this?” It was a skeptical prayer, but I prayed nonetheless.
Two weeks went by, and I had almost forgotten that experience. Sarah and Hannah were home now, but I thought if I told Sarah what had happened, she might think I was going a bit bonkers because I was hearing voices, or I would get her hopes up and nothing would happen again. We had just moved from a small two-bedroom condo across the complex to a three-bedroom townhome. Boxes were everywhere as we were attempting to get settled. That particular morning, I woke up and found that I was the only one in bed. This was unusual because I was the morning person and Sarah was the one who always attempted to sleep in. A moment later, Sarah bolted into the room and jumped onto the bed with a pregnancy test.
“Look!” she exclaimed. “I’m pregnant!”
I rubbed my eyes, thinking I was dreaming. “What?” I said in disbelief.
“I’m pregnant!” she repeated.
I was dumbfounded. Could it be true? Could my experience two weeks earlier have prepped my heart and mind for what God had in store? We embraced, cried, and thanked God for his goodness. Elizabeth (Elle) was born on the twenty-sixth of December—a baby for Christmas!
I tell you this story for a couple of different reasons. First, I love to share it because it displays the goodness of God! Second, I share it because it taught me a lot about acceptance. I so desperately wanted to control the outcomes of my life and my future that I was unable to accept what was right in front of me. I was blind to what God was trying to give me, and even more blind to what God was trying to teach me. I wonder how much more I could have grown if I would have (or could have) accepted what God was giving me and teaching me in the moment. I wanted things to happen according to my plan and done my way. I was so blinded by my anger with God that I missed out on what he was trying to accomplish.
Adapted from The Path to Wholeness by Mark Mayfield. Copyright © 2023. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries.