There’s obviously more than three people every pastor needs in their life.
Every pastor needs a best friend (or two), a team of volunteers or staff, a board that they report to, a prayer warrior …
But throughout my 19 years of being a pastor, there are people who have filled three specific roles that have been priceless to me and have made me a more effective pastor. More than effectiveness though, I’m not sure I’d even still be a pastor if I didn’t have these people in my life. As a young pastor, I thought it was the norm to have these three people.
Unfortunately, it turns out that’s not true.
Having these three people in your life is often the exception, not the rule.
Whether you’ve been a pastor for 19 years, 19 months or 19 days, here are three people every pastor needs:
Every Pastor Needs a Pastor.
Yes, I know your walk with Jesus is a personal thing. And yes, you’re most likely a wise, excellent pastor to others. Yet just like a surgeon can’t do surgery on themselves, every pastor needs someone to pastor them. Someone who doesn’t ask you to pray for them—they pray for you. Someone who cares for you and your soul. Someone God speaks through to encourage and convict you. Someone who gives to you, not looking to get anything in return.
Ideally this pastor is a little older than you, but not always. Since becoming a pastor myself, God has sent me several pastors: Roger Spahr, Roger Fredrikson, Mike Brandt. Recently Pastor Mike and I had a meeting scheduled. I had several ministry items I wanted to ask him about.
When we started our time he said, “Adam, how are you doing?”
My response: “Pastor, I’m spread too thin right now.”
Fifty minutes later, we hadn’t gotten to any of the ministry questions I was going to ask, because Pastor Mike listened to me and spoke God’s wisdom and discernment into me. At the end of our time, he spent time praying for me and my family. He pastored me. Do you have a pastor? Every pastor needs a pastor.
Every Pastor Needs a Coach.
Three years into ministry, the church I started wasn’t growing (or financially sustainable). The only time I heard from denominational leadership was to inform me that I wasn’t meeting their metrics—they were wrestling with closing our church.
I was deeply discouraged and wanted to quit, not just the church I had started, but ministry altogether. I’d heard that some pastors had a coach. I wonder if that would help? I thought. The Lord sent me Paul Nixon, and for that I’m forever grateful. After our first time connecting I asked him, “Do you think we’ll ever grow?” He responded without hesitation, “Oh, you’re gonna grow! And grow. And grow.”
And we did.
For six years Paul gave me great ideas and insight in how to grow and lead a church, but more than anything, he was my cheerleader. Today I have two coaches. A coach (mentor and friend): Bob Merrit, and a strategy coach, Nathan Unruh. I credit both of them that I’m currently in the most healthy, fruitful and impactful season of life and ministry that I’ve ever experienced. I genuinely can’t believe all that God is doing. Do you have a coach? You need one. Because every pastor needs a coach.
Every Pastor Needs a Mentor.
“A wise man listens to advice” (Prov. 12:15).
The older I get, the more I need (and crave) the advice and wisdom of mentors. Similar to a coach, you can have a mentor for several different areas of your life. A mentor might be an older person that has a great marriage or life-giving relationship with God. A mentor might be someone years ahead of you in a similar field career-wise. I can’t sum up the impact that people like Jim Lake, Rick Melmer and Brad Lomenick have had on my life. When my friend Jim and I get together, we discuss everything from my personal finances to how to harness our driven personalities, and how to make a greater impact for the kingdom. Sometimes I bring a list of questions I want to discuss, and other times it happens naturally over the course of our conversation. Jim is someone who has had great success professionally, but more importantly, he’s had success in his personal life. Do you have a mentor? It’s so important. Every pastor needs a mentor.
Okay, so all of this is great, but how do you find these 3 people?
Well, they’re not going to fall out of the sky. With every one of my pastors, coaches and mentors I’ve had to approach them. They didn’t approach me.
Pro tips on finding these people:
1. Ask them out to coffee.
Send an email and tell them you’d love to grab coffee with them for 50 minutes because you have a few questions you’d like to ask them. Show up and end on time! Pay for their coffee. Stay off your phone. Bring a notebook with 3 to 4 questions and take notes as they share. The next day, send them a thank you note and if you can, include a gift card to somewhere they might enjoy as well.
2. Don’t ask them to “be my mentor” or to “be my pastor.”
Don’t ask them this. Bad question. It makes them feel like they’re signing up for a seven-year program. Instead, wait a month from your last coffee appointment with them, send them an email and tell them you’d love to grab coffee with them for 50 minutes because you have a few more questions that you’d like to ask.
Pro tip: If you get a second coffee appointment, tell them about all the things you’ve implemented from the first time you grabbed coffee. Note: If you don’t plan on implementing anything they say, don’t ask them for coffee. You’re wasting their time that could go to someone else who plans on implementing their advice. Another Note: I haven’t ever had to pay for a pastor. That feels a little strange even as I type it. But I’ve most definitely paid to have the right mentor and coach (some who have been pastors). And it was worth every penny. When you find the right mentor or coach, do anything to spend time with them even if it involves money to do so.
3. Add value to them.
Look for ways that you can bless, support and uplift them. Is there a book that’s deeply impacted you that you think would impact them? Buy them a copy. Do they have a business? Send customers their way. Talk about them behind their back (in the best way). Pray for their family and let them know that you have, with a note in the mail. Do you know someone that you know they want to meet? Make the connection for them. Look for ways to constantly add value to their lives.
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3.
Congrats. You, my friend, now have a pastor, coach and/or mentor in your life.