Unfortunately, one of the dirtiest words in the leadership world is the word “no.” People get mad when we say no, or, worse, we feel horrible saying it. But when we use the word correctly, it frees us up to be thrilled when we actually get to say yes.
I’ve had difficulty saying no in the past, partially because of the way people phrase their requests. “Do you have time to help me with . . . ?” The answer is always yes. I can always make time. But it wasn’t until I realized that my downtime is valuable enough to prioritize that I began to understand that I actually didn’t have time to help. If I helped with that request (which was breaking down boundaries I’d established for myself), I would have to say no to rest.
Do you value your downtime enough to prioritize it as a valid use of your time? Are you willing to believe that movie you want to watch or that long lunch with your spouse is a valid use of your time? It is. But we so often don’t realize it is.
We need time for family, time to recharge, time to eat, time to work out . . . Do you have time to help that person who’s asking? Not if you’re going to do the things you need to do.
The first step in setting boundaries is valuing your time enough. But once you value your time, there are a few guidelines you should follow in order to set boundaries successfully:
- Never lie.
- Never avoid.
- Never omit.
Lying, avoiding, and omitting create a whole new world you need to maintain. When you do that under the guise of protecting your energy or time, you waste energy and time trying to maintain the false world you created. Instead,
- Be explicit about your boundaries.
- Approach them from a place of humility. “I need this in order to function.”
- Offer alternatives. What can you do for the person asking for help?
- If you do want to help, expect motion from the other person. Let them do what they can so you can do what only you can.
When I was a worship leader at my church, parents frequently approached me, asking me to teach their children how to play the guitar. The first few times someone asked, I was eager to help, so I said yes. When I met with the kids, they pulled out their guitar, and I started showing them some chords and how to strum.
It quickly became clear that those kids had never even touched their guitar. And it made me frustrated, because a simple YouTube search of “how to play the guitar” would have done better than I was able to do.
Soon I began to respond to parents’ requests with this answer: “Have the kids check out these YouTube videos, and once they’ve practiced what’s on there, I’ll be happy to meet with them.”
Can I tell you, not a single kid came to me after that? They weren’t willing to do even a little bit of work on their own. So why should I waste my time helping someone who wasn’t willing to invest minimal effort into the thing they wanted?
God doesn’t help those who help themselves, but I do.
Now, you may be thinking, “Won’t people get mad when I impose boundaries on them?” Yep. I can almost guarantee it. It might even mean displeasing the biggest giver at your church or your best-paying client.
That’s why we need to stick with the knowledge that a boundary is good. Then we can properly establish boundaries even when people are pushing angrily against it from the outside.
The truth is, there are spiritual boundaries in life. God, in all his goodness, established a line in the sand. There are boundaries that can keep people from eternal life if they don’t abide by them. And our response to that truth will determine the way we handle the boundaries.
Do you think it’s right that your sin separates you from God? If not, there’s a good chance you’ll be mad at God. A lot of people are, whether they want to acknowledge it or not.
But if you acknowledge that those boundaries are just and right, then you get to receive God’s exception to them through grace—amazing grace.
If people get mad at God, who alone is good (Mark 10:18), you have to realize that people will get mad at you, a fallible person, when you set boundaries. When you’re willing to establish them, you also have to be willing to accept the consequences:
- You might get less done.
- You might make people mad.
- You might be perceived as lazy or resistant by some people.
You have to keep focused on the benefits of the boundaries, though. You have to remember that you’ll experience
- more emotional energy
- less irritability
- better relationships with those who matter to you
- time to enjoy unexpected opportunities
Saying “no” to the right things might be tough, but it’s so worth the fight. Healthy, high-capacity leadership for the long-term requires we make those tough stances.
Excerpted From Don’t Burn Out, Burn Bright by Jason Young and Jonathan Malm. Published by Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group. Copyright 2023. Used by permission. BakerPublishingGroup.com
