As a general rule, I try to be transparent, but this is a new level of openness even for me.
Recently I have come face to face with a weighty reality.
I have been desperate for a long time.
Desperate to know what God has for me next.
Desperate to get past some doubts that have plagued me for a long time.
Desperate to feel God’s overwhelming power and presence again.
I truly long to experience a fresh encounter with Jesus. I want a tidal wave of his presence washing over me that will renew the deepest part of my soul that feels so empty at times.
God has mercifully given me far more than I deserve in so many ways, but I know something is off. Something is missing.
There is more. There has to be something more. There must be.
To be clear, I am not discontent with what I have from the Lord. On the contrary, I am a trophy of his grace and grateful, humbled and truly amazed by God’s goodness to this recovering idiot.
But I thirst.
I hunger.
I long for more.
Not more stuff. Not more money. Not more fame. Not even for more personal happiness.
Just more of him.
I want to see the lame walk and the blind see.
I desire (with all of my heart) to be in the middle of another new revival where millions of the broken are rescued and redeemed.
I need to find myself once again unable to stand in his presence while I worship with abandonment.
What I hope for isn’t some form of religious hype or contrived emotionalism.
What I long for isn’t “the good ol’ days” of some previous movement of God.
What I need is something so fresh, so real and so incredible that nothing from the past can define or explain it.
Something new.
Something deep.
Something that changes hearts, souls and lives so profoundly that only Jesus gets applause.
I am desperate for that—an indescribable and intangible encounter with God. That type of encounter often defies human explanation, but you can feel it, see it and almost taste it when it happens.
It’s something akin to what the apostle Paul experienced when he said, “I was caught up to paradise and heard things so astounding that they cannot be expressed in words.”
Perhaps you’re thinking right now, Whatever, Bubna, why can’t you just accept things the way they are? Life is good. Chillax.
Frankly, I don’t expect everyone to understand. But once you’ve tasted of the Lord’s power and presence, you are forever impacted—ruined in the holiest of ways.
Settling for mediocrity isn’t an option. Accepting things as they are isn’t possible anymore.
The Psalmist wrote that he was desperate to be in God’s presence. More than anything, and with his whole being, he desperately longed to be with the living God.
Me too.
So what do you do when your soul aches for more?
• Position your heart.
• Remove anything that is getting in the way. Only an empty vessel can be filled, and only new wineskins can contain new wine.
• Wait for him.
• Don’t give up.
• And when God comes, embrace the new with abandonment.
And so I’ve been repenting (a lot).
Waiting.
Looking.
Listening.
Hoping in hope.
Early this morning, I was struck by this truth: God wants more for you and me too.
Incredible, huh?
The God of the universe, the Lord of everything, the all-knowing and all-powerful, wants us to know and experience more of him.
God longs for us to long for more of him because he knows we were made for a deep relationship with him.
Our ultimate contentment is found in communion with our Creator.
Intimacy with him matters.
God’s power demonstrated through the weak (like you and me) matters.
Worship matters.
Nothing and no one matters more than the One who loved us more than his own life.
So, here’s my heartfelt prayer, Come, Holy Spirit. Come. This fractured and desperate man longs for You more than his next breath.
“There is genuinely only one thing I need and want from God,
I want to behold him and live in his presence
every moment and every day of my life.
I long to look upon his incredible beauty,
and to passionately worship him
with the community of faith.” —Psalm 27:4 (Bubna Paraphrase Version)