What Is a ‘Friendly’ Church?
By Matthew Kim
Crisis. It’s a word that can be overused. There are some who, like Eeyore and Chicken Little, see life as a constant countdown to doomsday and use catastrophic hyperbole to describe it. “The sky is falling” every moment. Nevertheless, there are some things that do warrant being called a crisis. In some churches it’s declining attendance, infighting, moral failures of ministry leaders, or budget deficits.
In this book, I want to draw attention to a crisis in congregations that may not be on many people’s radars: too many churches are less friendly than they realize. Unfriendliness might be furtively devouring your church’s ministry, effectiveness, influence, and longevity. As Thom Rainer reports,
“We are the friendliest church in town.” I have heard that statement thousands of times. I promise. In over 500 church consultations and thousands of church member interviews, I heard it. Most church members really do think their church is very friendly.
But, more times than not, they are wrong. Guests who visit the churches usually have a much different perspective. … Volumes of survey data from church guests indicate that very few churches are really friendly. Our surveys a ten-year period indicate that over eight in ten guests did not consider the church they visited to be friendly.
I have worshiped the Lord with many churches across North America and abroad. Most of the churches I’ve visited have been lacking in friendliness. Person after person would walk right by me or my family. Sometimes they would stare at us like a deer in headlights, not knowing what to do or say. Not knowing the lay of this particular “church-land,” I wished someone would stop, say hello, and have mercy on this poor soul by helping us navigate their congregational space.
As Rainer pointed out, most churchgoers would say, “But that’s not my church!” After all, which person or congregation wants to be labeled as unfriendly? Yet a common issue plaguing many churches is that established members of a congregation don’t truly see their guests. Oftentimes, we are unknowingly or unintentionally unfriendly.
Gary McIntosh agrees: “In every one of the churches I coached, someone either wrote on a survey or stated verbally that they believed their church to be a friendly place. … Most churches consider themselves to be friendly.” But just as in the first round of American Idol, where some contestants overstate their singing abilities as they audition, many Christians believe they are good, friendly welcomers even if they’re not.
