Weekly, calls come in from pastors wanting to talk about a variety of subjects. I welcome calls like that. Why? I want to learn and grow and I think conversations with fellow co-laborers is a great avenue to let “iron sharpen iron.” I feel every interaction I have with a fellow minister is an opportunity for both of us to grow.

One of the subjects that inevitably comes up is the struggle that comes when people leave the church.

I’m not necessarily talking about people abandoning their faith. I’m talking about that moment when people decide to stop attending the church you pastor and attend somewhere else because your church community isn’t a fit for them.

It’s a moment that can be incredibly difficult to deal with. I love people and I wish everyone could find their fit at our church. But I realize that isn’t realistic.

Related: When someone you’ve invested in leaves the church »

Seven years ago, a very good friend told me that, minimally, 30 percent of the people who voted you in as the pastor would eventually depart and go somewhere else. Some will go because you didn’t turn out to be who they thought you were (expectations both realistic and unrealistic). Some left because of too much change or not enough change or because they didn’t see the change they wanted to see. Some departed because their hearts were too connected to previous leadership styles and approach. Still, some left because of offense and frustration.

Pastors, if there’s anything I can implore of you during congregational transitions, it’s this: Reflect Jesus to people when they come to your church; reflect Jesus when people leave your church.

How Pastors Should Respond

What does this look like? As a pastor, how do you approach people leaving because they didn’t find a “fit” at your church?

1. Bless them.

If they’re courageous enough to leave in an honorable way AND let you know, you need to push past any hurt or frustration and do what I believe is the most honorable thing to do: Bless them.

Offer prayer over them. Bless their search for a church community. Speak a blessing over their home. Offer to help them find a church. It’s rare people take me up on that, but my heart has to be for the kingdom more than my church or denomination.