How Pastors Can Build Friendships With Non-Christians

LEADING MISSION | ANDY COOK

Who is missing from your life? 

In the midst of service planning, staff meetings and preaching, too many of us in ministry struggle to build friendships with people outside of our churches. According to new research we have conducted with Lifeway Research, only 53% of pastors are intentionally building friendships with non-Christians, a 10% drop since we conducted the same survey 10 years ago.

This trend is concerning, since a pastor’s personal relationships with non-believers are a leading indicator of a local church’s evangelistic effectiveness.

Starting a friendship with someone outside your church might be the most important thing you do this month for the health of your church. Yet, unbelievers are not knocking at our doors or asking to be reached. They too often can be forgotten in our otherwise full lives. 

I have personally struggled with this challenge for years. Here are some of the steps that have helped me purposefully reach out to those who are far from Jesus:

1. Pray. It’s surprising how often God has answered a simple prayer when I’m honest with him: God, would you please bring people into my life that don’t know Christ. Give me eyes to see and opportunities to engage. Sometimes he has brought baristas, a fellow parent at my kid’s sports practice, or a random neighbor across my path.

2. Schedule. Building friendships with people who don’t know Christ doesn’t mean adding to your already full schedule, but it does take some intentionality. Look at your week and the activities that are already on the calendar—where are the opportunities to engage? It could be a local gym, school events or neighborhood parties. Leaders who prioritize these settings and opportunities tend to be more successful than others in developing friendships with those outside the church.

3. Start Conversations. When we asked students at Wheaton College about the biggest barrier they face to sharing their faith, we realized that simply starting conversations is a growing challenge. What this means for them—and for us—is putting down our phones in social settings and walking across the room to engage people who are sitting alone. 

For example, during a recent Uber ride, a casual conversation with my driver led to him asking, “What do you think about Jesus?” It was the clearest gospel opening I’d experienced in a long time. But it wouldn’t have happened if my AirPods were in and I didn’t engage.

4. Love people, not projects. Too often I have been guilty of turning unbelieving friends into “evangelistic projects.” Doing that can dehumanize the person and ignores the Imago Dei. Instead, engage with genuine love. Find people you like and who like you. Build real relationships. Mention your faith early and be open to Spirit-guided conversations, but don’t move too fast to present the whole gospel at once. God is already at work in their life.

Over the years, I have found great joy in my relationships with people who don’t share my faith. They bring new perspectives, question my assumptions, and keep me from using “insider” Christian language. They also have expanded my world—introducing me to new activities and asking deep questions. They are people God loves.