Perception No. 4: The Church is Homophobic

 

An excerpt from They Like Jesus ... Not the Church by Dan Kimball (Zondervan)

Why don’t Christians try to make me feel included? Why do you treat me like an outcast and not care about my feelings or want to relate to me in any way? You don’t need to understand why I’m homosexual — but to understand me as a person and a fellow human being. Isn’t that what Jesus would do? My homosexuality should have no more relevance on how you interact with me than hair color has on how you would interact with someone who is blonde or brunette.

 — Penny

Without a doubt, people in our culture today perceive the evangelical church as homophobic and sexually repressive. I will focus on the homosexual issue, since that came up more in my conversations with the people I interviewed for this book. You have to understand that this criticism comes not only from the gay community. I have talked with both straight and gay people for whom this is a huge negative perception of Christians and the church. Many feel not only that the church is homophobic but that Christians often see homosexuals as enemies. This should be of equal concern to those of us who are respectful of Jesus and don’t want to be incorrectly stereotyped as people who are homophobic and angry at the gay community.

Grappling with this is important because homosexuality is increasingly becoming a normal part of our emerging culture. With the increasing openness people have about their sexuality, almost everyone today has a gay friend, family member, workmate, or acquaintance. It’s not uncommon to see gay dating featured regularly on television dating shows. Most television sitcoms have a gay character, and famous musicians, actors, and actresses who are homosexuals are much more open about their orientation. I recently visited a high-school classroom that had multiple signs proclaiming it as a “Homophobia-Free Zone.” We need to understand, if we haven’t yet, to what degree our emerging culture is aware of homosexuality and has come to accept it. I also hope we will understand how important it is for church leaders to be thinking clearly about this issue and responding with extreme grace and compassion and wisdom.

A difficult thing to talk about and fully understand

Because this is such a huge issue in our culture, and because all of the tension and discussion on this issue is over what the Bible says about it, we can no longer just regurgitate what we have been taught about homosexuality. I think in the past, the teaching on homosexuality in many churches has been somewhat shallow, quoting a few verses and no questions or discussion allowed. We cannot do that any longer, out of respect for those we teach. We must approach the Bible with humility, prayer, and sensitivity, taking into consideration the original meaning of Greek and Hebrew words and looking into the historical contexts in which passages were written. When we do, we might be surprised to find that we can no longer with integrity merely quote a few isolated verses and say “case closed” with the sometimes heartless and naive confidence we used to.

I will talk later in this chapter about the various Scriptures used to form conclusions about homosexuality, but first I want to clarify where I stand. I need to do that up front so you know where I’m coming from. I have read just about every single book there is out there on this topic, written from both the conservative and pro-gay theological perspectives, and I have read the various studies and opinions on each of the Scriptures that mention homosexuality or that have been seen as addressing homosexuality. I have wrestled with the Scriptures and difficult viewpoints. I studied this issue not being afraid to reexamine all I had ever been taught before and to approach it with an open mind and heart. However, after much prayer and study of the sexual ethics and themes presented overall in Scripture, I have found that I just can’t dismiss that in the Bible homosexual practice is considered a sin. Note that I am saying homosexual practice, not homosexual orientation, which I will address later. Likely some readers of this book will disagree with me on this. There are probably homosexual Christians reading this book who will disagree with me too. I recognize that by stating my position, I seem to be drawing ugly lines in the Christian world when I wish there didn’t have to be an “us versus them” over this issue. But I hope you sense my heart in this chapter, and I hope that I demonstrate compassion and understanding to those who hold a different viewpoint than I do. If you knew me, you would know that I’m only trying my best to base my position on the Scriptures. It’s from my best understanding of the Scriptures that I take the position that I do. So I don’t take this issue lightly or without compassion for those who may be hurt by hearing my position.

Quite honestly, and some people might get mad at me for saying this, I sometimes wish this weren’t a sin issue, because I have met gay people who are the most kind, loving, solid, and supportive people I have ever met. As I talk to them and hear their stories and get to know them, I come to understand that their sexual orientation isn’t something they can just turn off. Homosexual attraction is not something people simply choose to have, as is quite often erroneously taught from many pulpits. That’s what makes facing this issue all the harder.

But even so, what I hope to get across in this chapter is that it matters how we treat fellow sinners. We all are sinners (Rom. 3:23), but the church has subtly, and sometimes not too subtly, treated some sins differently from others. I will try to show why this is an especially big issue for people, both straight and gay, in emerging generations. How the church handles this issue is critical not only for those who like Jesus but not the church but also for the future of the church.

 

Meeting two friends who have been wounded by the church

In this chapter you will hear from both Penny and Karen. Penny is a lesbian, and Karen was involved in lesbian relationships for several years but is now celibate and actively involved in the church. Let me introduce you to Penny first.

Unloving words from churchgoing Christians

I connected instantly with Penny, possibly because we share an appreciation for the singer Morrissey and his former band, the Smiths. But Penny also makes people feel at ease and has a wonderful quirky sense of humor. She works at a local newspaper as an advertising director. We would meet weekly to do the formal interviews for this book, though most times we would end up talking about other things for two hours and then have to rush to talk about what she would be sharing in this book. I have grown to respect her tremendously. One time she came to our house for dinner right after she got back from a vacation where she spent a night in Quebec in a hotel made of ice, and then went dogsledding. She is an extremely fun person to spend time with.

Penny was born and raised in England, where she went to an Anglican church during her childhood. She says it was a neutral experience, and she stopped going when she was about thirteen years old. She has always respected and admired the wisdom of Jesus. I shared her comments about Jesus in chapter 4, but it’s worth hearing them again here:

I hold Jesus to be a wise man. Jesus was inspirational and pure. He was a wonderful man with great lessons to teach about love, acceptance, and peace.

Jesus was someone who lived out his message and wasn’t a hypocrite like many modern religious leaders. Jesus stood out among the others of his time.

I believe 100 percent that Jesus walked the earth, and that because of his teaching, he sent a lot of -people’s gray matter spinning. 

As I spoke with her on many occasions, it was obvious that she is open to Jesus and his teachings, respecting him as an honorable and wise historical figure. She shared passionately how she feels he is unique, full of wisdom, compassion, and love. She showed no hesitation whatsoever talking about Jesus in our conversations.

As Penny reached her later teenage years, she began exploring her homosexuality. She wasn’t ready to come out in the open about it, but she was recognizing that this is who she is. As she raised questions and searched for answers, her orientation became the reason she didn’t go back to the church she grew up in.

When I first started coming out of the closet, I knew that the church wouldn’t approve. It was very, very clear that the church was against homosexuality. How could you not know that? It seems that homosexuality is one of the main things churches consistently and publicly condemn. So picture being gay and wanting to seek counsel or spiritual advice. Why would I go to a church? They already have thrown heaps of guilt on me and condemned me before I’ve even stepped my foot in the door.

During this time in her life, Penny wanted to find some “inspirational words of wisdom,” as she put it, to the questions she was having about life. But she knew enough of what Christians and the church think of gays that there was no reason to go to a church for spiritual advice. She felt she would be instantly condemned. So instead of turning to the Christian church, she ended up exploring some Eastern religions, though not in great depth.

When Penny was twenty-two, she came to the United States to work on a ranch for a summer. The ranch was run by Christians and had many Christians on the summer staff. While Penny worked there, she didn’t tell anyone that she was homosexual. Ironically, it was here, among Christians, where she first began to feel wounded by people about homosexuality. The staff would tell jokes about gay people and express what they thought of them. At the end of her time on the ranch, Penny decided to take a trip to San Francisco. One professing Christian commented, “So you’re going to the Gay Bay where the faggots all go to rot.” Remember, no one was aware that she was gay, so she heard how these Christians really spoke during their day-to-day lives and what they really thought of homosexuals. She said she had never heard such venomous words and experienced such a sense of persecution for being a homosexual as she did among this group of churchgoing Christians.

Penny ended up moving to Santa Cruz, where she now lives and where she once again encountered Christians. She volunteered at the gay center in town, helping troubled teens on a phone hotline. On more than one occasion, she would come out to her car in the parking lot of the gay center and find Christian tracts on the windshield. Some of them had sayings on them such as, “Homosexuality Is the Social Cancer of Today — Repent or Go to Hell.” She would read them and see bits of Bible verses quoted, condemning her. She remembered thinking that here she was volunteering her time to help out troubled teenagers, and she comes out only to be condemned by tracts from Christians. They didn’t even have the courage to talk to her; they just secretly left tracts on her car.

When I was volunteering at the gay center, I would be on the phone talking to teenagers in trouble and feeling I was making a positive difference in the world. But then I'd go out to my car and find tracts which would utterly condemn me left by Christians on my car windshield. I'd look at these heartless words with little pieces of Bible verses quoted out of context and wonder, Why do they hate me so much? Why don’t they even have the decency to come in and talk to me rather than leave anger and hate on my windshield and run?

I have learned from our times together that Penny is really mature and puts things in perspective. She is savvy enough to know that her experiences with Christians are not the way of Jesus:

I know enough of Jesus to make a clear separation from the hateful, spiteful, unjust things Christians have said or done to me because I am homosexual. I know this hatred is not a Jesus thing; it is a “man” thing.

It was quite difficult for me to hear her stories. I empathized with her tremendously. I cannot imagine what it must be like being wounded this way by my supposed brothers and sisters in Christ. I felt angry, as well as embarrassed, as she told me her experiences. Although this is one person’s story, incidents like these are a lot more common than we think.

Growing up gay in the church

Karen is a thirty-one-year-old who grew up in a Baptist church in which she was actively involved along with her family. She was even a student leader in her youth group. During her teenage years, she began to struggle with same-sex attractions, but she did not feel free to talk to someone in her church about her feelings. In fact, her church environment made it all the more difficult for her:

Growing up in a fundamentalist church, I was taught that gay people are immoral unbelievers with a sinister agenda. I too picked up on the rhetoric and condemned this faceless group of homosexuals without any true understanding of what the issues were. It took a long time for me to come out of denial regarding my same-sex attractions because I could not relate myself to the gay caricature that the church had created. I was the “good Christian girl” who was heavily involved in church youth leadership, wanted to be a missionary, and attended Bible college. How could I be gay? I couldn’t relate the sexual attractions I was experiencing with the church’s lurid picture of homosexuals.

I’m not sure if we in church leadership realize, in spite of our good intentions, how we portray the gay community and homosexuality to our churches. If someone in our church is struggling with same-sex attraction, what do we make it like for them? What comments and attitudes do we express in sermons? What do the members of our churches say in their conversations about homosexuals? Do we create an environment that makes those who are struggling with their sexual orientation feel comfortable talking about what they are going through? Let’s hear from Karen what it was like for her:

If the church had simply viewed homosexuality as one of the many natural sins that some people are drawn to as a result of living in a fallen world and talked openly about various sexual temptations, I would have been able to process it like any other temptation that all Christians face. But by stigmatizing homosexuality, the church has contributed to the problem and this continues to persist in the jokes and negative comments that Christians make about gay people. Just recently I heard a pastor make a subtle joke about homosexuality, not realizing my background. Again, he assumed that I or anyone else in the church (certainly not a good church leader type like myself) could have same-sex attractions.

Karen shares how even little jokes and comments show our biases and prejudices. The problem is not only that we have judgmental attitudes and prejudices but also that those attitudes and prejudices influence our churches. We as church leaders set the example and create the culture for our churches. The people in our churches then express the same attitudes toward homosexuals in their neighborhoods, workplaces, and schools. No wonder there aren’t too many homosexuals who feel free to talk to church leaders about their feelings and struggles. Imagine how incredibly difficult it would be for a person with same-sex attractions to feel that it’s safe to be open with someone if the church makes jokes about them, condemns them, and even, as Karen heard, claims that they have a sinister agenda. No wonder so many people in emerging generations see the church as homophobic and unloving.

Two different newspapers in our community ran cartoons portraying the impression that -people have of the church. One shows Jesus standing outside a church while the people file out after a service. Jesus says to a couple walking past him, “Love thy neighbor.” The man says, “Hippie freak,” and the woman says, “That sounds like something a queer would say.” The church sign gives the title of the sermon as “Power of Love,” and in smaller print says, “All welcome . . . except gays!” The cartoon makes the statement that the church is hypocritical because we say we are all about love, yet we limit our love only to straight people. It’s interesting how the artist’s depiction of Jesus in this cartoon echoes the title of this book. Jesus is the noticeably good guy standing outside the church speaking about love, but the people inside the church reject him, and we see a tear in his eye.

The other newspaper ran a cartoon alongside an editorial about how they perceive churches’ view of homosexuals. The cartoon shows a man, which the editorial identifies as a pastor, running away, looking in horror over his shoulder into the sky. On four clouds, riding four horses, are “The Four Queers of the Apocalypse.” This cartoon illustrates people’s impression that church leaders are homophobic, running in terror as the homosexual population ushers in the end of the world.

These cartoons ran in weekly entertainment newspapers that thousands of college students and people in our community read, once again reinforcing to both straight and gay people outside the church the idea that all Christians fear homosexuals and abandon them. Over and over people see images like these not just in newspaper cartoons but in real life. Seeing these cartoon depictions makes me want to get angry at the way we in the church are portrayed. Most churches are nothing like the way these cartoons portray us. But looking at it from an outside perspective, I can understand why we are seen this way.

I recently watched an interview of a well-known Christian leader on CNN, and frankly I was embarrassed by how he responded when the issue of homosexuality came up. He seemed oblivious to the fact that he was speaking to a national audience and not a church. Some of his statements probably pleased conservative Christians, but he wasn’t speaking to a church group. He was speaking to a national audience and didn’t come across as compassionate and understanding. He spoke about homosexuals in a technical way, as though they were inanimate objects, not people. I wonder if the interview did more harm than good, keeping people from wanting to know more about Jesus and Christianity. He seemed to merely reinforce the stereotype that Christians lack compassion and are culturally naive and theologically simplistic.

My personal journey

Perhaps I’m more sensitive to this because I grew up outside the church. In high school, I was a drummer in a band in which the keyboardist was gay. We didn’t talk about it much, but he shared with me that he was gay, and I didn’t know quite what to think of it. I was a typical teenager and just assumed that some people were and some people weren’t. In my junior and senior years, I worked in a furniture store, and my boss was gay. He was one of the nicest guys I had ever known. His boyfriend would sometimes come into the office. I’d visit him at his apartment in New York City. I didn’t think about it; he was just my boss and he was gay. Remember, I had no biblical guidelines at this time to make me think any differently.

When I was a student at Colorado State University and really into music, my girlfriend and I would sometimes go to a gay bar in Boulder to hang out and shoot pool. We liked it there because they played the most progressive music from England and Europe. I didn’t think anything of it since my girlfriend and friends were comfortable hanging out there.

When I lived in England for a year, I had several roommates, one of whom was bisexual. We became good friends and hung out and laughed a lot together. We talked about God and spiritual things too. That was during the time I was reading through the Bible, thinking about the lordship of Jesus and what it means to follow him, and beginning to make some significant changes in my life. I had many conversations with her about Jesus, Christianity, and even about homosexuality. I encountered verses in the Bible that seemed to indicate that sex outside of marriage and homosexual practice are sins. This was all entirely new to me. I didn’t know quite what to think of it, but I remember wanting to study it more. When I left England, my friend even bought me a book on the history of Christianity as a goodbye present.

Then I entered the Christian subculture.

Coming from that background, I entered evangelical subculture and was pretty amazed at most Christians’ lack of understanding of homosexuality. One of the first things I noticed was that the church consistently made a big deal about homosexuality and sex outside of marriage. I listened to how sermons depicted homosexuals and how Christians talked about them, and it seemed like they were talking about people I had never met. One time I went to a Christian camp and they showed a video clip of the gay parade in San Francisco. It showed people in drag and in bondage leather walking around and making out in front of the camera. The speaker then said something like, “This is what homosexuals are like!” He tried to rally the youth at this camp to see how terrible homosexuals are. I remember thinking, I have known several gay people, and none of them dressed like that, acted like that, or marched in a gay parade. It seemed to me the speaker characterized a group of people in an extreme way in order to manipulate impressionable Christian teenagers. I was pretty shocked at the stance most churches took toward all homosexuals, looking at them as their enemies.

Granted, a small percentage of homosexuals does fit in that extreme category. But so do some Christians fit in an extreme category, such as the fringe group that carries “God Hates Fags!” signs in public places. In the same way that people in emerging generations see extreme Christian groups and think that’s what all Christians are like, so have some Christians drawn conclusions about gays that are more caricature than reality. From what I have experienced, most gays are regular folks, living normal lives just like straight folks, and aren’t bent on converting children or anyone else to their sexual orientation. Yes, vocal gay activists get the press and are probably the ones you see on the street. But we can’t let them shape our impression of gays as a whole. We don’t like it when Christians are stereotyped by extremists, and we shouldn’t stereotype others because of extremists we see. Imagine if all Christians were stereotyped by the extreme fringe Christian groups who hold up signs saying “God Hates America” and “God Hates Your Tears” at funerals for American soldiers killed in Iraq. They get the media attention by their actions, but by no means do they represent the majority of Christians. We shouldn’t be stereotyping homosexuals in this manner either. I think Penny put it well:

I am not a gay activist. None of my friends are gay activists. I am just Penny. I don’t want people to regard me just by my sexuality. I want them to consider what kind of person I am. Am I loving? Am I caring? Why do Christians think that all gay people are like the ones who are dressed half-naked in leather out marching in the gay parade? That is so far from the truth. It would be like me thinking that all Christians are like Jerry Falwell telling people to stay away from Teletubby dolls or that all Christians bomb abortion clinics.

Remember what Karen said it was like for her, struggling as a teenager with her sexuality but feeling uncomfortable about confiding in people in her church? How many in our youth ministries right now are like Karen, struggling with same-sex attractions but unable to talk with the pastor or youth pastor because they heard them say how horrible all gay people are? What torment we must put people through, people who are trying to follow Jesus and need someone to talk to. We basically haven’t left them much choice other than to go to a gay church, like the Metropolitan Church or some other church that endorses gay marriages and ordains gay pastors. But that’s not what Penny would want to do:

If I were to go to a church, I wouldn’t want to be part of a gay church. Because that is not my primary identity. I don’t want to be ghettoized. It is very sad, Dan, feeling that even if I wanted to go, I don’t feel the church would welcome me, so I don’t go.

Some readers may say, “Well, sinners don’t want to admit their sin and that’s why they don’t go to church.” That’s true to an extent. But again I want us to put ourselves in other people’s shoes. I was once getting my hair cut by someone who was filling in for my regular stylist. When this girl, around twenty-five years old, asked me what I do, I told her I’m a pastor and asked if she has ever gone to church. Without hesitation, she said, “Oh no. I am gay. You wouldn’t want me there.” How horrible that we have painted the church in such a way that we get that as a response from someone on the outside looking in.

A question to see how you react

Imagine an unmarried couple who are living together and are sexually active. They enter your church and tell you they aren’t Christians yet, but are interested in God and are checking out your church. They begin attending your worship gatherings, and you are happy to see them there, hoping they will come to trust in Jesus. You know they are living together, and you see them respectfully showing their affection by holding hands in church and putting their arms around one another.

But what if a gay couple did the same thing?

How would you answer the following questions?

•  How are these two couples different in Jesus’ eyes?

• Theologically, what is the difference between the straight couple and the homosexual couple?

• How would your reactions differ?

• How would your church react?

What can we learn from this misperception? I trust that most of us care how the church represents Jesus to the homosexual community and to our culture at large. I’d like to suggest some ways that we can change the stereotype that the church is homophobic and sexuality repressive.

We must understand how emerging generations view sexuality

On the subject of sexuality, there’s generally a disconnection between many church leaders, in particular older ones, and our emerging culture. I say that with respect and I don’t mean to make anyone feel bad, since many older leaders are ministering to people in older age groups. But many have not stayed current with the changing values and worldviews of those growing up in our culture today, and these leaders are still expecting people to think the same way they do. Things have changed, and we need to think from the perspective of emerging generations if we want to understand them and know how to communicate with them.

Many pastors, especially younger ones, understand this and are preaching sermon series on human sexuality that would have been unheard of twenty years ago. Many churches now are unafraid of being bold and speaking of sexuality in a holistic way as something beautiful and sacred that God created. As the church lovingly teaches about sexuality and marriage from a biblical perspective, many people have never heard the biblical view before. Many have only heard, “Don’t have sex before marriage,” or, “Jesus is in the back seat of your car watching you.” When we make such black and white statements without also presenting a full exploration of Scripture, people get the impression that the church is only negative about sexuality. But a wave of change is beginning as people make changes in their lives because they see that God’s desire for them is sex within the covenant of marriage. For example, I just had a check-in conversation with a young unmarried couple who was sexually active. We talked through human sexuality and the covenant of marriage, and did not merely focus on “don’t have sex before marriage.” Though we came to the conclusion that they shouldn’t have sex before marriage, we focused instead on the beauty of sex within a covenant relationship. They are struggling but are maintaining purity knowing that God has something better for them in their upcoming marriage, which they now see as a beautiful covenant between each other and God.

Today, the conversation is going way beyond just heterosexual sex and marriage. As homosexuality is being accepted as normal in our culture, I think many Christian leaders aren’t in tune with that, so we either ignore it or just slam it down without any heart or thought. And people notice this. Not just homosexuals but heterosexuals also have negative perceptions about the church’s treatment of gays. Gary, a heterosexual, says:

I don’t see anything corruptive or destructive about homosexuality. Jesus was about love, not hate. So homosexuality shouldn’t be something the church hates. It shouldn’t be a religious issue. With all the things wrong in this world, I don’t understand why the church makes such a big deal about homosexuality.

This is the viewpoint of many in emerging generations, who perceive that we fear and hate all homosexuals. Out of all the other things in the world we could focus on — -poverty, AIDS, greed, abuse — -we make a bigger deal about homosexuality.

We must be careful how we teach and preach about sexuality

Scripture is living and active and can change lives as the Spirit of God uses preaching and teaching (Heb. 4:12). When we are faced with cultural change, we need to be students of the Scriptures and not depend on our opinions to seek out truth. In a culture that teaches about sexuality through media, movies, music, and poor parental example, we need to take all the more seriously the teaching and preaching of the Scriptures on human sexuality.

What I mean by human sexuality is holistic sexuality, not just focusing on homosexuality and telling people they shouldn’t have sex before marriage. More than ever, we need to teach the biblical meaning of marriage as a covenant before God. But we must not do so lightly and without prayer and study. No longer can leaders in the church merely quote a few verses without context, say, “This is what the Bible says,” and then end it there. We need to respect those we speak to and do much more careful study than just simply pulling single verses out to make a case. Also, unlike previous generations, emerging generations don’t immediately trust or respect what people say, especially church leaders. And because people have access to so many sources of information today, we can’t assume that people are unaware of opposing positions on biblical texts.

Tough questions via email

After I spoke once about human sexuality, I got a series of e-mails from a guy who said he was at the worship gathering and had follow-up questions. He asked questions about heterosexuality, and then asked some questions about homosexuality. He said something like, “If the church teaches from Leviticus 18:22 that people of the same sex should not be together sexually, what about Leviticus 18:19? Can a husband really not have sex with his wife during her menstrual period? What about Leviticus 19:27, which says, ‘Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard’?” He wrote that I and the other leaders in our church seem to cut the hair at the sides of our heads and don’t have beards. Are we then committing as serious a sin as someone who is physical with someone of the same sex? He asked me, “What about in Leviticus 20:13, where it says, ‘If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.’ Are we really supposed to kill them?”

We e-mailed back and forth, and finally I asked him to meet me the following week at the front of the church after I spoke. I waited after the service and this junior high boy approached me. The guy who was emailing me was thirteen years old! He would come to church with his parents, and then take home the notes he took during the sermon and look up the verses. He had found a web page that pointed out problematic verses from the Old Testament and he was sending them to me. He was sincere and wasn’t trying to trick me, but I remember thinking that the days are over when pastors can just get up to preach and assume they won’t be challenged by -people who want to dig deeper. A thirteen-year-old boy was asking me questions about Levitical law and homosexuality. Sure, he wasn’t the average thirteen-year-old, but any adult serious about looking into the Bible can find the same information. Are we ready to address these questions? How would you answer them? Do we address these types of questions in our sermons, or do we just quote the few verses that seem to back up whatever case we are trying to make and leave it at that? We need to have more respect for people in our churches and in our emerging culture.

I was visiting the campus at the university in Santa Cruz and spotted an ad in the campus newspaper for a class titled “How to Refute Fundamentalists about Homosexuality.” The description said this class would show how fundamentalist Christians misinterpret Bible passages and how to refute anyone who says otherwise. Do you see why we must be serious students of Scripture no matter what position we hold on this? As we assert what the Bible says about sexuality, we had better be ready to discuss intelligently and lovingly why we come to the conclusions we do.

Knowing key theological arguments is not optional

I talked to a non-Christian twenty-something who said she dismissed Christians because she, as a non-Christian, knew more about the Bible than a Christian friend of hers did. A college English literature class had taught her that the words many Bible versions translate as “homosexual” or something similar really shouldn’t be translated that way. She pointed out that the Greek words malakos and arsenokoitai used in 1 Corinthians 6:9 literally mean “soft” and the specific meaning of arsenokoitai  is in question. She had learned that this passage is most likely a reference to male prostitution, not just homosexual practice. Her Christian friend had no idea about that, and she was disappointed in her friend’s faith because of that and because she wasn’t aware of other critical issues of the day. She felt that her friend’s faith was elementary and blamed the church for not teaching her these things.

Maybe these examples are exceptions rather than the norm, but even if that’s the case, soon they will be the norm. Pro-gay theological arguments are becoming more and more well-known to the average person. If you hold to a different position, are you ready to answer these arguments? Are you teaching your church about these issues? We need to do our homework so we aren’t just putting out shallow answers on the positions we take. We do more harm than good if all we can do is quote isolated verses and then say that homosexuality is a sin, and we will lose our credibility if we aren’t prepared to address challenges such as the following:

•   The sin of Sodom. We generally have taught that the primary sin of Sodom was homosexuality, yet neither Jesus nor any of the five prophets who mention Sodom talk about sexual sin as the sin that led to Sodom’s destruction. Ezekiel 16:48 – 49 says that the sin of Sodom was its lack of hospitality and not helping the poor. Another argument is that the sin of Sodom was gang rape, not homosexual sex. We also have to look at the similar account in Judges 19 – 21 to determine which sin was really at issue there and to see whether in light of that account we can justifiably say that homosexual sin was the sin of Sodom.

•  Leviticus passages. Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 are verses quoted all the time about homosexuality that are part of the holiness code, which lists forbidden behaviors. When other parts of the code talk about haircuts, tattoos, working on the Sabbath, wearing garments of mixed fabrics, and even touching the skin of a pig, we would agree that the code was written for a specific time, place, and people. But if we say we aren’t bound today by the code on such items as these, how do we explain our being bound by these verses about homosexuality, which were written in the same context?

•  Romans 1:26 – 27. A growing response to this passage says Paul was writing about people who worshiped fertility deities, which involved homosexual sex, orgies, and sex with temple prostitutes. Therefore he is condemning straight people who “unnaturally” have homosexual sex, not those who are “naturally” homosexual. How would you address this?

• 1Corinthians 6:9. Some would argue that we inaccurately use the word homosexual to translate certain words. According to this argument, the Greek word malokois in 1Corinthians 6:9 most likely refers to effeminate male prostitutes and those paying for sex with them, not homosexuality in general.

•   1Timothy 1:10. The Greek word arsenokoitai in 1Corinthians 6:9 is  used here also and is a word whose meaning is actually unknown. The argument is that it refers not to homosexuals but to those who hired the young male prostitutes. So the sin being condemned is the hiring of someone for sex, not being homosexual. How do we answer these claims?

I bring these challenges up because they are becoming more common and it’s fair to say that many pastors are not prepared to address them. And if pastors aren’t able to address them, then the people in their churches certainly aren’t either. Yet anyone, whether a pastor or a person in the pews, who uses these verses to say homosexuality is sin needs to be prepared to explain why and to answer questions about them.

At the same time, those who hold the pro-gay theological position should also study the Scriptures on these issues. I just read an article called “Does God Love Gays?” It made great points about God and love, and how God loves all people. But it also said that God approves homosexual sex. The article rightfully challenged conservative evangelicals to make sure homosexuals understand that God loves them, but it didn’t use even a single verse from the Bible to support its position on homosexuality.

Human sexuality is such a complex and emotional subject. We have to be thinking through how to respond to all types of situations. For example, people are more aware of the rare cases in which people are born with both male and female sex organs. We need to be able to understand these are issues people are aware of and be able to look at situations like this in light of Scripture. But our teaching about homosexuality must go beyond just theological understanding.

Make sure you understand who you are talking about

I once listened to a sermon titled something like “What to Say to a Homosexual Friend.” It was composed of points giving reasons why homosexuality is wrong. The preacher quoted the usual verses, then he gave a bunch of scientific data on whether homosexuality is genetic. I could sense the whole church’s approval of his one-sided argument, with their “amens” and their “attaboy, preach it” attitude. I was horribly saddened by this, so I talked to the pastor afterward. I said, “You just gave a sermon about what to say to a homosexual friend. Do you have any homosexual friends?” He looked at me and said quickly, “No. I don’t. But I’m preaching to educate those in this room who do.”

Two things really saddened me that day. I was saddened by the way the sermon was preached, almost as if the pastor was preaching about an inanimate object called a homosexual. There didn’t seem to be any heart or emotion or understanding expressed. My guess is that’s because the pastor couldn’t tell even one story of actually having any homosexual friends himself, so he viewed them and spoke of them more like someone would talk about an object. There was no consideration of the lives and stories of homosexuals. I was also saddened by the people’s response. I could tell by their applause and all the nodding heads that the pastor was just preaching to the choir. As all these people go out into their world having heard this sermon, how will they react to homosexuals?

As church leaders, we may have given sermons on homosexuality. We may have read theological books on homosexuality. But have we ever talked to someone who is gay, to really try to understand how the church and Christians come across to them? If we did so, we’d learn why we tend to come across to them as being hateful and judgmental.

Whenever I speak on homosexuality in a sermon, I usually try not to do it in a hot-topics type of series. Instead, I include it when I address human sexuality. I paint a bigger picture, always going back to the garden of Eden to talk about what it means to be in a fallen world and about how sin impacts sexuality and marriage. Instead of my just teaching, I usually try to bring in those who have struggled with homosexual attraction and let them share their lives and hearts. Karen, whom I interviewed for this book, will be sharing at our church soon, and after the worship gathering, we are going to have a Q & A with her and a male who struggles with same-sex attraction. So instead of just teaching facts and Bible verses, we will also hear gay people’s struggles and how the church makes them feel. When dealing with a subject as sensitive as this, it makes a big difference to have someone who has experienced what we’re talking about to help teach from experience how God has made a difference in their lives.

We must understand that homosexuals are in our churches

I was in a meeting with a dear elderly gentleman who was a leader in his church. Somehow the topic of homosexuality came up. When I said something about homosexual Christians, he stopped me and said, “Dan, correct me if I’m wrong, but did you just say homosexual Christians? There can’t be Christians who are homosexuals.” What this dear but wrong man was thinking was that when people come to see that homosexuality is a sin, they will decide not to be homosexual anymore. He quoted 1Corinthians 6:9 – 11, which says, “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were.” Part of his understanding is right. God doesn’t see us as anything but forgiven sinners, pure as snow. This gentleman, though, meant more, that people can stop being homosexual at once. But homosexuality is not like that at all. It isn’t something people choose and can turn on and off. Granted, there are wonderful stories of people who over time and with counseling have found their sexual attraction changed to opposite-sex attraction. But it doesn’t come easy for most.

This older man wasn’t aware of the many Christians who conclude that they are homosexual but choose to be celibate. He wasn’t aware that someone can be a Christian and still have a homosexual orientation. He also wasn’t aware of the growing number of pro-gay churches and pro-gay theological arguments. He didn’t know that telling someone to change their sexual attraction isn’t the same as telling someone to stop having sex with their boyfriend or to stop getting drunk. If you’re straight, imagine someone telling you, “You now need to be sexually attracted to the same sex.” How would you feel? I suspect many leaders don’t understand homosexuality, or surely some of the sermons I’ve heard wouldn’t have been given the way they were.

More common than instant change is the experience of the person I talked with who decided after years of counseling that he is not going to change and will always be attracted to the same sex. He decided that he was homosexually oriented and that he wasn’t going to fight it anymore. But because of his love for Jesus and his understanding of the Scriptures, he felt that practicing homosexuality would be sin, so he decided to be celibate and not engage in any relationships.

I spoke with Chad, a twenty-six-year-old who struggled with same-sex attraction, and he explains another level of struggle homosexuals face:

Gays who give up their homosexuality are giving up not only an entire sexual attraction but an entire support system as well. “Gay” most likely has become an identity for most of them and permeates every part of their life. Most church leaders do not understand how much someone leaves behind when they make the decision to walk away from homosexuality, and most in the church are not ready to help rebuild a support and relational structure. The church does not realize how desperately they need emotional support. I know plenty of examples of gays who were trying to change and joined a church but could not find the support they needed.

Good things are happening in our churches

Though this chapter may paint a negative picture, some good things are happening in many of our churches. Churches are starting ministries to homosexuals, quite often led by those who struggle with their sexual identity. Karen is one of them. She is a Christian and is now helping churches understand what it’s like to grow up in a church being gay. She is celibate and is letting God use her story to help others. So before closing this chapter, instead of my suggesting how to respond, let’s listen to someone who knows firsthand what it’s like being gay and who has some advice for the church. Here’s some input to leaders from Karen in her own words.

“One of the primary mistakes the church has made, and still makes, is presuming that gay people are outside the church. This had a significant impact on the way I ultimately dealt with homosexuality. The church has been a large contributor to the phenomenon of the gay identity. By labeling gay people as a group outside the church, they promote the concept of a quasiethnic identity.

“Church leadership plays a vital role in determining whether a transparent culture develops in their church. It has to be championed by the senior or lead pastors in the church, who have the power to influence the congregation. Church leaders can take steps to enhance authentic community by:

•  “Discussing sexual issues, including homosexuality, in an open and grace-oriented way that does not stigmatize or single out certain sexual problems. This will minimize the tendency for people to keep things secret due to fear of being rejected or believing their sin is particularly bad. We should talk about homosexuality as comfortably as we do gossip or jealousy.

•  “Creating ‘Transparent Fellowship Groups’; that is, small group Bible studies that incorporate not only study but also authentic fellowship. This is what church leaders usually want anyway, but it never happens. This is due, in part, to poor group facilitation and the short duration of most groups (i.e., the six-week study). A leader of a group will determine how transparent a group becomes. Churches need to train Bible study leaders in Bible interpretation, prayer, and facilitation. Specifically, leaders need to be prepared to be transparent themselves and need to be trained to guide the group toward deeper intimacy. Unfortunately, many churches lack formal training for group leaders.

•  “Becoming better equipped to address the issues that arise, instead of automatically referring people with problems to a psychologist or ex-gay ministry. It is easy to refer out when pastoral staff is overworked, but systems need to be created so that peer counselors, men’s and women’s ministry leaders, youth workers, and others are educated on specific issues such as homosexuality. This means creating an expectation within the body that church is not only a place to sit in the pew and be encouraged but also a place to be trained up to truly love others and walk with them in their struggles. The number-one thing that those who struggle with homosexuality need is healthy, intimate, same-sex friendships with ‘straight’ church members; this cannot be addressed by always resorting to referring someone to a psychologist or an ex-gay support group. Those are good, but the church needs to see homosexuals as they would anyone else, not just isolate them. Men’s and women’s ministries could make a powerful contribution in this area if they were better equipped.

•  “Rediscovering corporate prayer. Unlike the early church, the American church has relegated prayer to the private life. As a result, we miss out on the richness of corporate prayer that fosters intimacy with one another and God. In particular, the leaders of the Jewish people in the Old Testament often prayed public prayers of corporate confession. When all of the people are on their knees together acknowledging their inadequacy and failings before God, it reinforces that we are all in the same boat and are all in need of God’s grace. This undermines the sense of superiority and judgment that develops when some believe they are less sinful than others.

• “Not being afraid to teach about human sexuality without apology. Church leaders need to find a balance between grace and truth. Fortunately, some churches are beginning to discard the legalistic tendencies of the past that create a culture of criticism and condemnation. However, some churches risk going in the opposite direction, focusing exclusively on grace without upholding truth. Many churches seem to be like deer caught in headlights — frozen and uncertain about what move to make. They don’t want to be condemning, as in the past, but they are not sure how to address the issue without hurting people. Not doing anything at all, however, only serves to create new problems that are equally harmful.

“The church must be full of love and grace, but it also must be a place that upholds truth. Too often church leaders seem apologetic for having to tell a person that homosexuality is wrong. The church cannot value the approval of society more than the approval of God. In Scripture, true righteousness (not legalism) is associated with well-being, joy, glory, life, and all that is good. It is described as putting on a clean, refreshing garment. When the church does not uphold the truth about righteousness, it robs people of the peace that comes only from following the ways of God. The truth does set people free, and we must use it not to beat people down but to open the gates and release the prisoners. It is hard enough for me to be faithful in following God on the issue of homosexuality without having to watch church leaders shrink back and Christian friends waffle on truth. Stand up for your brothers and sisters who struggle, and don’t be ashamed of the ways of God. If we truly believe and trust that God’s ways are best and are lifegiving, then we are selfish and cruel not to stand firm.”

How this played out in our church

A twenty-one-year-old girl who was still in college began coming to our worship gatherings. She was a creative musician studying fine art. She approached me with some questions, and it turned out she was gay. In fact, she was in a relationship with another girl at the time. But we embraced her into our church community, discussed Scripture with her, and let her serve in several ways, since she wanted to contribute to the church. She got involved in one of our midweek home communities. She also started serving on a ministry team, helping to set up the art that we used in our worship gatherings, and handed out bulletins.

But when she approached me about another position of ministry that involved being in more of a teaching role, I was in a rough spot. I needed to make her understand that letting her take on this role would be in contradiction to what we teach on homosexuality. I met with her after the worship gathering one night, and we talked for about three hours. It was a horrible situation for both of us. With anguish and tears, I explained that I couldn’t let her serve in that position. I felt like I was yanking my heart out, and yanking her heart out, and slamming them both on the ground. But I had to remain true to what I felt the Scriptures say, since putting her in this role would have endorsed her practicing gay lifestyle. We prayed together, and then she left in tears. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible.

The next day, I emailed her to see how she was doing. I didn’t hear back for a day, and then I received this email:

      Anyway, thanks for the response. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to leave the church. No way. It has brought me closer to God than anywhere else. There is peace there that I can’t find anywhere else. Yeah, this turmoil I feel at times makes me want to stop believing so I can just have my mind back at least.

      Anyway, I came in the computer lab to type a paper that is due in an hour (how classic). I was supposed to be writing it last night, but instead I sat down to write — just journal writing, and I ended up picking up my guitar and writing a song.

      Basically it’s about this whole issue of being gay, directed toward you. A lot of the lyrics turned out pretty angry. But then when I was trying to come up with music for the lyrics, the music didn’t match the lyrics. The music that was coming out was not angry, but more peaceful and about the compassion you have shown me. So I ended up not going with the original lyrics and took out the angry parts.

      Basically the song just talks about how I felt when we chatted at church, how hurt I am, questions about how the church can call being gay wrong. I find it ironic that my anger sometimes is aimed at you when you are the only one in the world willing to be kind to me, even though you disagree. I can tell that you really have the love of God in your heart. I want to apologize for feeling angry sometimes. Really, I am not mad at you.

Even though she was angry, she knew I cared. She knew I was not just pointing a finger at her to shame her or judge her. She knew I was holding to what I believed but doing so in a way that showed love, understanding, and grace. She stayed part of our church until she moved out of town after her graduation. As I type this, I’m wondering what happened to her. In fact, I took a break from writing this chapter and sent an email to the last address I had from her. So maybe I will find out how she’s doing now.

I’m telling this story not to pat myself on the back but to try to express how we can break the stereotype that the church is homophobic and sexually uptight. I firmly believe that it isn’t just what we teach about human sexuality but how we teach it that is important. I am convinced, like Karen stated earlier, that no matter what the issue is, even if it goes against the grain of culture, how we say what we believe is critical. Most of emerging generations’ misunderstandings derive not from the church’s beliefs but from the way we go about holding and teaching our beliefs. An insightful book about homosexuality is called Welcoming but Not Affirming by the late theologian Stanley Grenz. I believe it is possible to do what the title of the book is suggesting. We can hold to a doctrinal position about homosexuality while moving from being known as a community that fears and even looks down on homosexuals to being known as a community that welcomes and loves them, yet doesn’t affirm anything that the Scriptures don’t.

 

 

-Outreachmagazine.com, "Web Exclusives," March/April 2007

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